Its My Life

Have you ever had the experience of being told what to do by the absolutely most ignorant of people.  I don't want to sound judgemental yet that's what I felt when I was told how to manage my love life by somebody who was divorced, not connected with his kins and family and as few friends that I could count on my fingers.  There will be a lot of occasions when I have done exactly what I shouldn't have, despite knowing the suspicious antecedents of the people advising me I have gone ahead and followed their advice and nothing has accrued, I have only lost money, friends or face.  Take the instance of calling up people that I have had a falling with, why do I persist in thinking or calling them, they have played no significant role in my life yet I call them knowing fully well that either the call will not be picked up or there will be a another fight around the corner.  This is such a duh thing to do, and I think I am a reasonable intelligent person with enough intelligence to understand where I am not wanted.  Isn't it simple to understand, go where you are wanted !!

For so many years I have been following what people have wanted me to, their dreams, their desires, their advise and believe me even on what I should be wearing and eating.  You might say what "even eating and wearing" .. no ! I haven't done that ever.  Well, do you remember the gift that somebody gave you and you wore it so that the person wouldn't feel bad about it or the ill fitting clothes that I wore when I was a kid simply because there was no money for new branded clothing.  So clothes were inherited according to the sizes of the people who wanted to wear them.  My maternal uncles clothes were passed on to me in legacy.  Fabulous ain't it, imagine if my father hadn't told me about the incredible "softy ice cream" I might have grown up to eating home made "Ras Malai" and loving it.  Cultures are imbibed into us by our parents and family even teachers.  They make us into what we are and who we are as kids, and if we continue to live listening to their advise then that's who we are exactly, our parents/family/teachers. 

However if on the other hand we choose to cut off from them and choose to live our life on our terms then we surely are ourselves.  That of course is assuming that you will not be the first and you will not be the last in any endeavour.

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Its a Trap

I am very much a morning person.  Every morning nature wakes me up early to show me its way and how much it loves me.  There is so much peace and beauty that abounds early in the morning.  The chirping birds, the green sylvan swaying trees, the absolute bliss that one gets out of sheer [aloofness] and no contact with other human beings.  This feeling of "man and the wild" is blissful and heavenly like no other feeling I have encountered my entire living life.  Every morning I wake up and carry out my daily routine and to my surprise just as I am having a bath my minds kicks into overdrive thinking thoughts, of work, of people and other such activities that I might perform during the day.  Unimaginable but true that human beings cause their own [realities] and with each touch with other human beings or their thoughts our lives change.

This morning I woke up 5:47 and thats atleast 13 minutes earlier than I normally do.  As I write this I am wondering what caused my body clock to skip before time.  Did I sleep early by thirteen minutes or did the medicine that I have cause so much bliss that my life has thirteen minutes of supreme escape.  As I slipped into the bath my mind was rubbishing all such thoughts, and as I tied the towel around my waist and walked into my room it was still alright, till I realised somebody had hung a shirt I had thrown away 2 days back in my wardrobe.  This shirt was a few sizes smaller so why would somebody do the mischief of bringing it back and hanging it.  My mind went a few minutes back when I had felt the toilet seat wet because of spilt water and then as I had brushed, my toothbrush seemed wet as well like somebody had used it.  There was something going on and I wanted to know what and why ?  Its this imperfectness that causes me to [lose my cool] and I almost lost it, taking my temper out on the wardrobe door.   I had had [friends] come over last night so could somebody from amongst them, or was it just my imagination.  Last afternoon I had spotted that somebody had peed and left without flushing the toilet.  I should have been livid then but had just quietly left it at that.

Yesterday !!! .. oh how it affects my tomorrow or errr today as you may put it.   Yesterday, I had managed to somehow retrieve the situation with a very dear [friend of mine].  Thank God ! I didn't have to fight with her.  Under normal circumstances I may have got angry with her but then these aren't normal circumstances, every morning I have to get up and fight all the way with life.  I feel scared sometimes and lonely other times, I might be the only one who feels this way amongst this teaming civilisation.  I do love my friends and I hope that I have been [faithful] to them and continue to be true to them.
This life makes me lie and be deceitful.

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The Pall Bearer of Gloom

[Jamaica] died december of 2011.  I knew she would, we had been escaping death for far too long.  I know I will too, soon, there is precious little to do here and nothing that permeates my mind so totally that I dedicate myself to it.  No cause and I am lost without her, I must admit.  She died a real painful death, renal failure, I wonder if it was because of the crap we ate while we were on the road or the streets that we roamed that had dirty, filthy, infected drinking water.  Afterall why would I make her drink distilled water, she was only a d*g.  I miss her, soon my dear baby I shall be with you.  I know I killed you and I must repent and pay for it.  My days are numbered here, thats why I am not allowed to think of her, only happy thoughts are fed to me, my folks have been real nice to me for the last 6 months that she has been gone.  I am allowed to take my medicine to ease the depression, EASE be damned, actually it makes my face look and my body feel cherubic happy.  Once the effect wears off then there is a feeling of nothingness, the emptiness is the cause of the restlessness I feel, I know that.  Not that I particularly want a solution for it, with no more feelings left, the vacuum if I wanted could be filled - I don't want to, I am alrite the way I am.  Is death dark and brooding ? .. I can feel the darkness within me, like a swamp slowly pulling me to the inexorable end.  Its dark and muggy, I am sweating and can't see anything, I feel weak not able to walk straight and HE asks me, do you want to come with me to which I reply "Yes".  Who can deny Satan, he comes for me the fourth, nah, the fifth time and I just don't have it in me to deny him.  Why ? where is the now famous quote of mine " My strength is my asset" ? Don't I even have the strength to say NO to the pall bearer.  No No No I scream but he just says "Hmmmmmm".

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Renewables - Calling Earth, Anybody Home

AL Gore stated a long time back :

You look at the river,
The flowers and the bees,
the water as it flows along the banks
the wet grass and all of a sudden you feel
"Oh yeah I forgot about this"

I have been trying to get this message across to people for a long time, but I have failed everytime I have tried to do that.  I just didn't have the words to say what I have wanted to say.  My whole life just flashes by when I think "Oh yeah I forgot about this".  Nothing you would say, well, I have loved the rivers, green grass and trees, even the mud has made me happy slipping on it and getting dirty but what have I done to retain these things in the form I like them.  Nothing.  I was expecting them to remain the same year after year but they don't.  It gets hotter and hotter, muggier and muggier each year.  The dust and particulate matter in the air has gone up year after year.  So what happened ?

This post is about what I think happened and what must be done to prevent any more harm from coming to the earths environment.  See, the first point that caused most of the harm was the assumption which is still prevalent amongst people in power, read scientific advisors, that the earth is so big that we can't possibly have a lasting impact on it.  However the thing to remember is that one of the important things comprising the earths environment is the earths atmosphere.  The earth's atmosphere is so thin that we infact are capable of changing its composition and thus affecting the earths environment.  The suns radiation comes onto the earth in form of light waves most of which get absorbed by the earth and that heats up the earth.  Then some of the radiation that is absorbed is re-radiated back into space in the form of infrared rays and some of the outgoing infrared radiation is trapped by this layer of earths atmosphere and is held inside the atmosphere and that is what makes the earth livable.  Now heres where the problem sets in, if the layer of atmosphere gets thicker as it does with various pollutants that our emitted by us into the air then more and more of the infrared radiation gets trapped in the atmosphere causing the atmosphere to heat up called Global Warming.  The main culprit being the greenhouse gases.

Professor Roger Revelle was the first person in 1958 to start measuring the carbon dioxide in the Earths atmosphere and he did it for decades by sending up balloons from the middle of the pacific, collecting hard facts in the form of data with the help of his assistant. While this data kept showing that the carbon content was going up and up and up in the earths atmosphere, and I believe this data was available to the decision makers of the world, it was only in 1997 that the Kyoto protocol was ratified.  So many years of neglect had caused huge amount of damage to the earths atmosphere.

All this talk suddenly made me drowsy, dizzy with a back pain.  I m gonna take a break from writing and maybe discuss this more later on.

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