These Thoughts of Freedom

The Grand Indian Wedding was on the cards, the guest list had been lined up weeks ago, "the elephants were ready and the trumpeters ready to rolls," Anjali wanted to come to the wedding with me, but there were other commitments she had for the coming Sunday, she was going to be travelling for work.  I so wanted her to come with me and see a real Punjabi wedding, we both knew that my folks, "damn I forgot to mention I was a Punjabi too," were brash, rude and extremely overbearing and that was the perception we both had always maintained, "was I a pariah then ?" I thought about it for a second and the answer on Anjali's face told me something, I had long maintained my isolation from them, keen on keeping them at bay from my life and thinking up new methods to do the same.  Weddings brought people together and though I had received an invitation, I was still unsure about attending it, my remarks on my cousins need for a psychiatrist not withstanding, "damn they had taken umbrage to it," I was thinking of not attending the wedding.

And so on the D-day, "for my cousin of course," I thought about what I was going to say, "and the thought did occur to me that I didn't know," and decided against saying anything, I would just go about it like a regular day and not set my mind to these thoughts, I had Anjali and Romeo to think about.  Romeo had grown up to be a fine specimen of the canine species and this Golden Lab was attached to me,"and very few had that feeling for me now," and he was just like me, affectionate and totally attached to Anjali, we made a fine pair when we went for our walk, "Anjali had a new job to think of," and she had been missing the walks to sleep more, I would cook her lunch once I got back from our walks and that's what I did today too, got up early and tore down to her house and followed a routine that I had been doing for days since I had made up with her.

My cousin had long maintained that marriage was for keeps, "like everything else in life wasn't," I just didn't understand his fixation with it, it wasn't the worst thing in the world nor the best and how wish that it was for keeps, when two people meet its always with the intention of getting a relation going, "humans are not cynical by nature," and the prospect of meeting someone new is exciting, but the thought of marriage doesn't necessary play on every individuals mind, and my cousin was fixated with marriage.  My advice to him had been that if he wasn't getting enough sex, maybe he should have changed his lifestyle, "wardrobe for sure," and go to parties more often.

These days I was in a "don't care," mode, lived for the moment and though got along with people well, preferred a long gestation period before I accepted them as friends.  My whole life had been treacherous and filled with misery till I had met Anjali and it had taken me long to understand the true nature of my relationship with her,"and her carefree attitude to life had helped a lot," when you made friends with somebody who understood their own true nature it was easy to evolve to your own true nature as well.  It had been a long four years during which I had evolved from a wannabee to a natural talent for relationship, I could well imagine where Anjali was in terms of her relationship skills, "and she was younger to me," but with a goal in sight I would carry on regardless, seeking her out every time I ran into trouble.
It Isn't Like I Don't Care, I Just Seek Nirvana.

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Breakfast "like" Tiffany's

Anand was a man of his words, and he decided to meet me this Monday, though it wasn't fair on his time but on Anjali's insistence and to be fair to his own curiosity about me, we decided to meet at MacDonald's in the hallowed grounds of Connaught Place,"think Times Square," in Delhi.  I was no stranger to this place having gone with friends and folks many times over, however to Anand it must have seemed like beneath his dignity to come to a commoners place like this one.  I had discussed this with Anjali before, "and damn I was so happy she heard me out," and she had suggested that instead of going to the Lalit, where a breakfast would cost Rs 1200 per buffet breakfast, I take him to a place I was comfortable going, "and I wish it wasn't about the money," but hey, I am a reasonable man and quickly acquiesced to her suggestion.

It was another fine morning when I landed at Connaught Place and to my surprise Anand was already there, checking out the menu, "was he as hungry for Mac muffins," actually I preferred the hash browns as well and Anjali and me would sit at the window sofa for hours and not waste a single morsel of the meal, "more so me," she was pretty weight conscious and though not a size zero, she was heading to gym fit.  Anand himself looked fit, "a man out of the Vogue Magazine," and soon as he saw me he escorted me to the table he had made his mobile and laptop comfortable on.  One look at the laptop and I knew it was going to be business on the go, "business at 8 am ?," hey come on party boy where is your sense of entertainment, I kept my mobile on the table and looked around for the morning newspaper, "I had to play the part to," Anjali had taught me well and part I would play now.  We ordered and sat down to talk, he was curious about my profession and I told him some about the relationships I was building for some people, I had established a contact list and generated leads based on that contact list for companies, having experienced both back end and front end experiments I was fairly smart at setting up systems and operating procedures for Sales and Marketing.

Anand sounded suitably impressed, "at least by the sounds of it," and though I wasn't entirely sure yet I carried on, my philosophy in life today stood at "Action after Thought," Anjali had hammered into me that Anand could help me in what I was doing and I was going to make the most of this one hour with him.  We spoke about my work in details, spanning the past 5 years of my career,"and I sounded like a school kid in glee," we had good laugh about how I had advised some people about leaving their current jobs if it didn't suit their requirement, or at least stop cribbing about their present one if they couldn't leave it, "best possible advice," he had said straight away and I believe he meant it.  Thoughts were going on in my mind and they were streaming away as I spoke, there was the thought of needing a Venture Capitalist for my business, of making and displaying presentations to Anand as also setting up a project report, but I held all thoughts back and concentrated on making this warm up talk, like a pre-interview set up, and Anand was warming up to it, he told me about the commission game that he was playing with a lot of businesses, "just what I wanted to hear," it was the "I will do the work, you just work on your commissions," that I wanted to come through in this talk, "and by the looks of it," my plan had worked.

My head was clear as a baby when I walked out of MacDonald's, "happy as a bat in the night," and called up Anjali immediately and told her the meeting was over, she was at work and my enthusiasm was infectious, I drove home thinking about what Anand had said at the end of the meeting, he had sounded optimistic, "which was more than my enthusiasm," and had asked me to prepare everything from scratch including a project report, he had snapped his laptop shut and handed a pen drive over to me, "Use it to give me the data that I require," and I will call you next week.
All it takes is a friend to make more friends.

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The Prisoners Dilemma

Another eventful day, in a day when it seemed like the stories would never end, "damn, how I wish they would never end," however on some days there is philosiphical significance at the end and I reached it today, "like philosophy has anything to do with my life.  I had been speaking to Anjali about Anand for the full day,"and wishing it never ends," Anand had been a very large influence on her life earlier on and they shared something special, he and she had drifted apart after a while though they continued to stay in touch off and on.  I say that the day had special significance because I realised that my path in life had changed drastically during the last 6-8 months, I no longer believed I was special in anyone's life and was perfectly at peace with my loneliness.  I believed today and professed to the philosophy of  "USE ME," and my friends and family couldn't understand this, "Use Me" sounded like such a dirty word, like a whore who came back always asking for more, "personally I have nothing against them," but it conjured all kinds of apparitions in peoples minds.

Professionally and also as in Personal relationships the only thing that matters, "and of course, there is a little bit of conjecture here," is whether your skills are being fully utilized to the job at hand, any professional project has monetary criterions attached to it and to have a dead weight on board bloated the project, escalated the costs and inefficiencies thrived.  Anjali and I had been real close, however I had to honestly and objectively examine whether I was holding her back, she was absolutely fine now and this curiosity that I had to dvelve into her past, "and you are damn curious," my mind had snapped at me, was detrimental to her progress.  I realised that if she couldn't find a reason to "Use Me," then this relationship was doomed, I had to make the realisation occur to her slowly and steadily, I brought with me to personal relationships, Trust and Confidence, I knew precisely where I was headed with her and what my eventual purpose was in her life, "prophetic this statement and a bit Godly," however realising ones purpose was the key to any success, but did she understand her purpose in my life and I sure, "as the lark in the morning," was going to make her find it.

Words played through my mind and ever since I came back from my morning drive, the music was awful on the local channels,"but damn, they claimed it was 4:30am," these local channels they had more advertisements than songs, one particular song changed my direction to Gurgaon in the suburbs of Delhi, the streets were empty once I hit the border and then sped up, thoughts of finding a place to have breakfast this early dominated my mind and I found it on the expressway, a quaint little place called, "Jhilmil Dhaba."  My thoughts went back to Anand, his life and my life would never cross, "or at least in all probability," and yet we were intrinsically tied to each other through Anjali, this beauty of a gal who had the innate talent to make friends across the spectrum, along age groups, was holding a string that held it all together.
Time Had It When I Was Still Sane, Today I Was Just Me.

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Friday Night Live

I got up to a phenomenal day, the sun was bright and there was a cool breeze, just the right temperature, blowing across the  northern heartland.  Last night there had been a party, a regular Friday night jaunt, at Anjali's, friends had been invited from across the city, she had many friends and it made me real happy to see her relating to her friends again, talking and chatting, holding the males in total rapture as she sang a tune known only to the myna, "damn I kind of like this bird," its simplicity defies the logic of a multi-coloured chatter parrot, "though didn't I spot a long tailed bird today in the morning," actually a couple of them and they were flying at real slow speed, hopping from tree to tree.  I wasn't new to the party scene, "damn though I preferred my privacy," I thought as I quickly moved to the bar hoping to catch a glimpse of the famous party boy in Anjali's scene, he was there sipping a bland vodka along with a few lady friends.  Anand was famous in the Delhi circuit, he had money, could speak well and made friends easy, I moved in to the entourage and made eye contact with one of the ladies who was hovering around Anand, "Didn't I see you at the F-Bar last Saturday ?"  She winked back, "Yes you did," and we started chatting, I guess you could say she needed my conversation to grab Anand's attention and I needed it for the same reason.

Anand gave me a once over and I smiled back at him, and proffered a hand, he took it up and gave me a firm handshake.  He was a handsome one, this dude, "and I had seen many in my lifetime," and it was said about him that he could charm the feathers off anyone, and I had left mine at home, "to be on the safer side," I always did that at parties, left my ego at home and came to them in a surreal state of mind, "wasn't much of drinker," though I too could talk and wanted to know Anand better.  For one, he was Anjali's friend from long time back and two, he had a reputation I wanted to check out, Anjali had told me how they had known each others for almost 7 years and she liked him for his quick wits, said he was almost the same as her in personality, honest to the core and direct with friends when needed.  He started off with me and asked me whether I was enjoying the party, "parties were just an occasion to watch people," and I inwardly smiled and thought, did he think I was speaking to him so I could get an introduction to the other beautiful ladies in his entourage, so I decided to put his mind to rest.

"I am Anjali's friend," I told him quietly and that she had asked me to take special care of him, he moved away from the escorting ladies and asked the bartender to get me a drink, a Bloody Mary, I took the glass from the bar tender and stared down at the red concoction.  So why had I wanted to talk to Anand, did I want to find out more about him or rather his relation with Anjali, "damn this could be construed as jealousy," and yet I still wanted to find out, the first sip of the vodka cleared up my mind, it was probably wasn't jealousy, it was plain curiosity that had led me to him, "and damn for somebody not jealous you sure are inquisitive," my mind snapped back at me, I quietened it down by sipping another of the red concoction and then looked at Anand, direct and straight in the eye, he was disconcerted for a brief moment, then quickly caught his breath and regained composure and pointed to the dance floor, suggesting that he had arranged the DJ and did I like the music ?  I wasn't listening to too much of it, it was more beat than lyrics, the dance kind of music.

"So how long have you known Anjali," he asked me, and I was stunned, he had asked the question that I had been intending to ask him, I dilly dallied with a number and then gave him an acceptable figure, I had wanted to find out more about Anand's perspective rather than give him mine, after all I was here for him.  After 30 minutes of talk, Anand turned out to be just what he had professed and what the world saw him as, a moneyed man with enough girls around him, "he'd put a harem to shame," he talked blatantly about his new car and the amount of money he had made and how he intended to spend it.  He was honest, I gave him that, but my thoughts turned to how his money, his girls and his life could ever crisscross, I was distant removed from his world, I had my cafes and bars to go to, books to read and questions of life on my mind, "we were poles apart," but he made an interesting character to read and his honesty was an advantage.  We played mental poker for another 10 minutes and then parted on a, "promise to meet again," note.  I looked around for Anjali and found her staring at me with a dim smile on her lips as if to appreciate the effort.
Hommie, Never Underestimate The Power of Love.

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The Unknown Quantity

There was something going on in life now, Anjali was out of her pensive mood, Romeo was as usual hungry and this new man in Anjali's life was confused as hell.  The confusion was about trying to find out why he was being treated the way he was despite him being so nice to her, "we always assume that we will get what we give," it isn't strange to assume that, but a lot of hard work in relationships is required before that assumption becomes a reality.  She had know him for a month now and was keeping him up on his feet, "sleepless nights was the phrase to use," Anjali was a kindred soul with people she knew and trusted, she would go out of her way to be warm with them, she would invite friends over and treat them to the best of the best, "but that was for her closest," for others she would begin to evaluate people.

We all evaluate people before befriending them, and for me it takes up to six to eight months before I can really begin to talk to them like I know them, there is a thin line between friends and lovers, "sometimes invisible," and I always made sure that I didn't cross it with Anjali, "damn I knew her well," but this new man was in the lovers mould, "or so I thought," I figure Anjali had different ideas, because she had put him in the evaluation mode and that meant a lot of his phone calls went unanswered and whims ignored.  I guess you could put your best foot forward for a month but try doing that for six months,"its hard, nay impossible," so she would find out pretty soon how this man was and then take a decision.

Nowadays people don't have too much time for evaluation, life is fast and relationships make or break even quicker, I was made in the more traditional and classical template, tend to take my time and if people aren't ready for that, "most damn well aren't," they could just leave.  This was fine with me, I was in my prime and needed to live my life with a few fine friends, I didn't want too many changes, preferred to continue with my present circumstances, and this included the financial status as well.  Money though important, I was happy with whatever I was getting financial and would continue doing whatever I was doing, and I was involved in things that I loved, "damn and this was so important," I was training people, into Sales and Marketing and loved writing and blogging.
Our Circumstances Are Never a Reason To Give Up.

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Sound of Silence

Anjali had been unusually pensive and irritated this morning, she wasn't talking and was in general very uncommunicative, I had been in her house for five minutes and already her mood swings were beginning to make me dizzy, "no breakfast for me today," she snapped as I entered the kitchen, "and I wasn't even thinking of breakfast," just getting myself a glass of water, I was thirsty after the walk and poured Romeo's bowl to the brim and drank myself straight out of the bottle.  Something had happened last night, either she had spoken to this new guy in her life and it hadn't been the most pleasant of discussions, " and that was rare," or it was going to be another moody day, in any case I was ready for the worst if it came to that, "had my book in my bag and another kit bag ready to go to the gym, that's where all my negativity came out, "sweat and stone."  She had been constantly talking about this new guy and suddenly today she stopped and went into her shell, I tried getting her out of it but knew it would be futile, when she made up her mind about something she certainly wasn't going to change it.

Though I had few tricks up my sleeves as well when she went into her shell, the last time it had happened I had told her a tale about love between a King and a Princess, she had listened like a child and then made a face and said she didn't like love stories, "hell like I did, hmmm ?" but it broke the spell of silence when she expressed her cynicism at the tale, " she more preferred Autobiographies and the Real life drama that peppered the screen nowadays, I guess that included the Reality Shows and Live TV that was gaining popularity as a medium of entertainment, "and damn that sounded interesting," I hadn't watched a reality show in days, "would do that now.  I had encountered reticence in various forms earlier in my life and from various age groups and had always tackled it by telling stories, people love stories, "damn the spicy ones are hot favourites," and I had one for all mindsets.

Friend of mine from a company I worked for previously was getting too close for comfort, he wanted to know everything about me and I wasn't so keen on telling him much, Anjali suggested I do exactly what I professed, "so what did I profess to ?" keep him at arms distance and tell him only what I wanted to tell him. So what did I believe in today, it was a profound question she asked me this morning and I sure, "as the bat in the night," was going to answer this one, at least for myself and she was going to be my knocking board for a change.

When I was a young guy of 22-24 years, I was busy chasing woman, lining up my pitch and hitching for dates, years went by before I realised that, that time could have been more fruitfully spent chasing a professional dream, but by then I turned 32 and work pressures and in general pressures of life were beginning to take their toll on the body and mind, could I perhaps bring back my twenties and copy-paste them onto my thirties, because that's what I wanted to happen, but life was moving too fast and the thirties were hectic and non-comforting, I had slowed down the thirties for the twenties to be superimposed on to them, and then it happened, life slowed down interminably, "I got to almost a crawl," and decided to wait for my good old times to come back.  Those days I read a lot of philosophy, related to my engineering books more than the common fiction and looked back at my past, "more often than not," and crawled into my hole every evening.  I told Anjali, these days I have an attitude to life that is distinctly mine, I do things in my own way, the path that has brought me success over the years.

She asked, "Give me a for instance," and I started to think of the times I had rented an office in a prime locality in Delhi.  I moved into the place for a couple of days and didn't like it too much, everybody was shocked at my suggestion that I wanted to move to a quieter district, this was a prime location and getting an office here had been hard work.  My feel of the place was just not right, I didn't like the discotheques and bars that thronged this busy uptown district, "almost like the Big Apple of Delhi," others would have died for a place here and I was too busy evaluating my own reactions and the equation had not added up and I left the place after two days for a quieter business district.  One of the biggest lessons life had taught me was that I had to take my own decisions and not go by the generally held opinion, think out of the box and always look for positiveness in all interactions.
Always Do What You Love.

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Marriages Are Made In Heaven

My cousins wedding was fixed and he was rocking, "or plain in heaven," and I for one consoled him it isn't the end of the world, it wasn't that I wasn't feeling great about him getting married but the signs around me were telling something else, "for instance the age old saying that marriages are made in heaven," now if they were made in heaven then why did they end up in hell, and as a matter of fact too many of them did nowadays.  It was either an infection in the air or something to do with God's disposition towards marriages nowadays, "now I am not much of a believer," and so the medical condition sounded more appealing to me as a possible explanation.  So I suggested to my cousin that he leave for the doctors and get a general medical checkup done, "in specific for his mental state," that stunned my cousin and he instead retorted back, "you do that bro," I burst out laughing, I had lived a state of mind that he probably never had and in all probability would never would.

For the next few days, he stopped answering my phone calls, maybe he felt aggrieved at my suggestions, "and damn I couldn't care less," but going back to the medical condition, "and my hiney had one now, all the sitting hadn't helped," it goes back to ages when men believed and conditioned themselves to what other men, "read, their male friends," told them, and trust me, this tradition hadn't changed, even today men believe what other men tell them about how they should react to women.  This is cultural conditioning, so for instance, if you are getting married then rave about it because it is what most men would do or worst say that it is a dream come true for them, "nightmarish thought actually," and never let out that you are scared.  So, my cousin did eventually go to the doctors but that was a regular ummm, checkup of the organ that concerned him and his wife and my suggestion to date has gone unappreciated.

Speaking of appreciations, there is a doctor that I know who is phenomenal in treating erectile tissue disorders, and I jokingly passed on his number to my cousin, he was aghast and started to abuse me.  But, hey ! I am told this doctor is good and passes on good medicine to bad guys, "real good stuff this one," so I mention Dr Mitra's name and the whole world climbs on me for spoiling the perspective of a to be bride groom, "talk about good intentions," well in any case I wish my cousin luck cause he will need all of it even from a black wolf like me, "and I kind of like that term, conjures of memories of a masquerade party and the bat girl from Venus.  Has anyone seen "The Mask," its one of my favourite, wish Jim Carey didn't have to take his off, "a directorial blunder that one," see, Super Heroes need to keep their identities intact and that's the way its supposed to be.
Men are From Mars, Mars, Mars.

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The Second Hand Tale

I was ready to sell my old car and Anjali wanted it, I had been thinking the human race is enamoured by cars, we travel distances in our vehicle of choice and build our dreams around them, its like, a race is on, "and it is a rat race if you want it so," therefore we build bigger and bigger cars, "as big as the houses we stay in," cars that run the span of the highway competing with other bigger cars and that makes us happy.  What made Anjali happy was this thought that she could now go to work in a car, travel to cafes on her own and see the city with new eyes in the night, "and this old car was a beauty," instead of having to use the public transport or the ubiquitous Delhi auto rickshaw.  Public transport was fickle here except for the Delhi Underground, which was akin to the London Tube, "On time every time," and the auto wallas were notorious for overcharging and speeding, the thought gave me great pleasure as well to see her ensconced safely behind the wheels of a metallic monster, "monster was a misnomer," this was a small car with a big heart and it was made for her.

My first car had been a Suzuki 800, similar to the Mini of yore and it had been a beauty, small enough to be manoeuvred around the sharpest bend, "and a very sharp to pickup to match," and spacious enough to fit five.  I had loved it and wanted Anjali to have the same feel of owning her first car, if I had it my way I would have given it to her for free but she wouldn't take it for free, those had never been her terms and conditions. She believed that she had worked hard for everything these last two and half years and was her own woman, she would continue to be who she was no matter what or who changed around her.

This reminded me of a story I had heard a long time ago, "and I had heard plenty in my childhood," there once was a scorpion that was drowning in a river, an old man saw it and put his hand out to help the scorpion, he got bitten immediately, he again tried to help out and was stung again, a child who was watching the old man instantly called out to him, "what are you doing, that scorpion is biting you ?"
The old man looked at his hand, "It is the scorpions nature to sting and that's what it is doing, my nature on the hand is to help and I will continue to do that and not change because of my circumstances or what people dole out to me."
Saying this, he then broke a thick leaf from a tree and waded it in the water and helped the scorpion to safety.

Anjali and the old man in the story were similar in profile, they remained true to their nature and that's what made them very interesting people to talk to and emulate.  She was strong in character and never gave up, knowing that she had it in her to tackle any seemingly insurmountable problem, it was this trait that had first attracted me to her and I knew she understood, though she also thought I had helped her overcome her problems as well, people like her were pillars of society, around whom the world revolved, "damn and I thought I had evolved enough," I looked up to her even though she was younger in age and much less experienced.
It Never Occurred To Me To Look For Perfection In People.

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Free Your Mind

Thoughts of Dating and Relationships were playing on my mind for a few days, "which was damn unusually," normally it was only food that was factored in, I presume it was my last meeting with Anjali that had caused this to occur, "cause and affect like Newton would say," she had been sad and yet there had been a tinge of happiness that had given me hope.  Interestingly there were a myriad of thoughts that had permeated my mind since then, one for instance, do we become friends first before lovers or vice versa because the forces of attraction are at play even before the thought of a friendship comes to the brain, "would we be willing to be friends with people who don't attract us ?" it was the proverbial egg and the chicken story.

Different people become attracted to different things in a person, somebody may like the face, the hair, the voice or even the walk, "not to mention other parts of the anatomy," and it was variant on the age too, younger people were more prone to attraction of the sexual variety and tended to be uncommitted once the act was complete and this did not vary with regards to men or women, though I tended to agree that no matter what the age group there had to be some kind of attraction towards the person of ones attention.  So was I sexually attracted to Anjali in the first place and then started to evolve as a person and changed my criterion to fit the societal point of view or was I always sure about what kind of relationship I wanted with her ?

Some months back, "and it did seem like an eternity," we had had a fight and I did mention in one of my previous posts that in those days, I was more a suitor than anything else, after the fight everything changed, realisation dawned on me that I wanted her in my life no matter what the relation she choose, "signs of desperation you'd think," but to the contrary during those days of separation I understood how much I missed talking to her and try hard as I may, my heart wouldn't let me look for a replacement, "and damn don't we all want to look for that when things aren't going too well," to get over a person is one thing and uncommitted another. Anjali had been so committed to this man before he had ditched her and maybe by doing what I had done during those months of separation and by coming back to her was to make up to her for her loss of this man.  This was complicated, "the human mind is seldom not so," and my mind was more so, it had been a really confusing and complicated situation that I had resolved by freeing my mind of the sexual part of the attraction.  Once that had occurred, there was no fear of rejection, "and I had been frightened earlier of it," and the talk was easy and the walk even more special.
Unfettered and bouyant, thats the the mind, let it soar high.

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The Self Believing Organism

As Anjali and I drove off for a cup of coffee, I was thinking, "as I oft do nowadays," had I managed to mitigate the pain of the loss that showered on her when this guy had left her and the loss had left her shattered.  But this had been a couple of years back and her countenance was much better now and she felt totally at ease with herself again, I could sense the relief writ large on her face, like a dam had burst sometime back and now was beginning to fill and drain the natural way.  Humans are like gunny bags filled with sand, fill them too much and they burst, drain them periodically before you fill them up again and all would be well.  I think Anjali had a third mechanism in place and that was that she had a small hole in the bottom of that sack now, so when the pressure was high on her gunny sack, this hole would leak and act like a safety valve.

As we walked into a cafe, I could hear the noises filtering outside, clanks of cutlery, the talk and chatter and the hiss of steam and music.  It was wonderful to smell fresh coffee, "and I immediately told her so," she concurred and we sat down on an empty table besides the large window that overlooked a tree lined avenue.  She wanted to talk, it was her time to empty her gunny sack, "and I loved to talk to her didn't I," we waited till the waiter had served us, Irish for me and regular for her and then I looked at her in wonder, she had come a long way, a mature woman comfortable with herself and her sexuality, she winked at the waiter and asked him for more sugar and I teased her about her weight.  The coffee smell got my mind going and I asked her, "Do You Miss Him ?" "I don't," was the immediate reply as she stirred the sugar in the coffee, "and yet his thought is there in my mind even now."

Suddenly something triggered a stream of memories and words began to flow, "I had heard all about it before," and yet it was new to me, my memory unlike hers tended to forget sometimes and then remember in a lightening flash, so she still occasionally thought of this guy, however he had been a downright possessive and obsessive lover, "as most men are sometimes," however to be possessive is one thing and not to admit your own love to the person of your attention another.  This absolute myopia had been hard to understand, "like the pigeon that refused to see the cat by shutting its eyes," and had been fraught with danger for both of them.  He had managed to walk away unscathed by shouting and screaming his way through the relation, Anjali on the other hand had respected him too much to walk away unhurt, she had lived and relived those bitter sequences in her mind time and again and that had left her mind scathed.

Different people handle their emotional trauma differently, some just let go of everything, others fight their own emotions and still others are scared to admit to even to themselves their deepest fears.  Anjali had survived because she was a survivor and the will to live had never left her, even when the deepest suicidal thoughts haunted her.  Her inner self had refused to believe that there was something wrong with her that had forced her love to leave her, and as I was to find out later, after the relationship ended she had grown to be more in love with herself and spent more time stirring up her soul with her own personal stories and tales, self belief was a very strong part of her character.
I Was Born To Live.

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