Have No Fear, I am Here

The idea of death appeals to me, there are a million of these folks who think that death should be avoided, however it is the inevitable truth.  The Truth, that neither is denied nor can be taken for granted.  When it comes, the human mind will not know and yet in the same vein it cannot be ignored.  I have been so in awe of this life I have been living, that its hard for me to understand why people cry and why they try and commit suicide.  Till the very thought hit me.  Death doesn't like to be cheated.  If I tried to kill myself once before, I will try it again and again and again.  Till I succeed.  The thoughts of life going away from my body doesn't scare me as much as the thought and pain of having to try to get away from it multiple times to reach the final conclusions of death.  This is where I am headed today, but give it to me in one shot.  It is apocalyptic that success 'read life runs away from us as much as failure if we chase it.

Throw another thought at you, why do I feel so proud of having tried to get closer to death.  Is it because I pride myself in having done what very few people would have done.  People worship life, at least most I know, and very few like me seek death.  Is that what makes me proud ? Or is it the thought of how strong I came out of it, knowing that God wanted me to live and knowing that we normally find what we seek.  I truly believe that it is important to feel strong even if your aren't strong.  When I mean strength I probably speak of mental strength, as also physical.  Its a tough world we live in, the guy who has nothing to lose will drop by a sinker to your house, and you who has everything to lose, lock the doors and windows, call the cops and warn your family not to step out.  Strength comes from the feeling of "nothing to lose".  I am having a hard time defining where this post is going, all my set of beliefs will probably come out into a compact brief readout.

Here's what a "Nothing to Lose" is, somebody who has been abandoned by his own, with no finances, just a gut feel, guided by the thought of survival, somebody unwilling to part with their life even at the cost of taking yours.  I have been there and seen what it feels to have "Nothing to Lose", killed pigeons for food, hit people when they least expected both physically and their psyche.  I have seen people cringe at the thought of facing me.  Have tortured people, happy people, with everything to lose into accepting what I wanted from them, because I was stronger than they ever will be.  I had the will of my soul behind me, and they had only their fears.  Part of the person I am today, stems from the times I experience absolute abyss with my finances.  God blessed with a strong body, and during these times, I toned it into a stronger piece of machine, and trained my mind into conjuring up machiavellian schemes, including the thoughts of taking somebody else's life.  
"They shall pay for it, Gods must have been crazy to have overlooked my birth"