The tale of two hearts

There was once this city of  joy,
Of warm thoughts and dreams oh boy,
As she wandered down the lane,
she saw the lad and a young one he was

Brash and confidence to the brim,
As he bragged and bragged of what it seemed,
Was his dream of money I wager,
He thought he had it all laid out

A welcoming thought that,
when he said to me I bet you do that too,
what seemed to be lost to me then,
Hit me when I thought of it thence

Why I didn't take offence then,
Is part of folklore and when,
I roamed the streets free as a lark,
Is when I found my calling and stark

When we touch the core of heart,
and what touches it is when we find,
Our dreams have matured since then,
I no longer run, I feel and then decide

Whether I will be by the side
Of the one who I know still knows me
Friend, today you rule that part
That people call the heart

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I Got You Now

Memories and Memories and then some.  Saw this huge water rat years back, it was fabulously scary, if there is a word as such, terrifying, huge, furry and walked on its two legs with a long tail, had pretty sharp teeth that it snarled out when it sensed danger.  I saw this creature some 10 years back and then I saw it again yesterday in my backyard, brought back a flood of scary thoughts, of me just standing in that alley with no lights and this rat just its eyes glittering in the dark staring at me and snarling.  That day 10 years back I just stood my ground, knees trembling, eyes watering and mouth dry, let 5 minutes pass and then bingo I was out and scooted to safer grounds.

Speaking of memories, I have known this women for years, she has been around with me through thick and thin and all I can say is buddy I know you.  Last grand memory takes me back to a car ride and memorable one with him, he at the wheels and me sitting next to him, we were cruising and talking and then before I knew we were ripping 100+ kmphs.  It was really fast and furiously fast, when suddenly there was guy in front of us who started to race all the way from Noida to Greater Noida, swerving, veering and curving to get ahead, I saw him take a spot decision, he rammed the pedal down and we went to the left of this car up ahead and at that moment, this man defining moment, I saw this other guy lose control of his car, skidding and then correcting and the skidding again coming to a halt.  We just stopped right behind this other guy, totally in control.

God, some moments are just so maturity defining, I saw this young guy with me suddenly as a man, fully in control and raring to go.  At ease with competition and at ease with the slowness with I which I wanted him to proceed, just totally awesome.  If ever, that's when I decided that this guy was to be my hero.

Friend, today I have you with me, years have gone by and then some, my memories of that other moment are still sharp though yours might not be, that moment when I lifted her in the air because the football field wasn't too visible, and she allowed me to, a tiny wisp of girl, I lifted her from under her shoulders for a full couple of minutes till the hero on the field actually drilled a goal.  Hah ! what do I know about love, nothing, I am just a poor humble guy who just knows when the feel is right, and sometimes when I get this feeling, I just go for it, even today, i just go the whole mile.
Touche', he makes love with words nowadays, and I just listen and listen and listen.

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Monday Morning's are Fatal and then Some

Its a Monday morning and work beckons, there are like a million of things to do once I get to work, one for instance I must talk and maybe sometimes even let it lose at people who just got in.  I begin to understand this mentality now, that we are just Indians, we start work late on Monday and end it early on Friday, see we work so hard so we must party hard as well.  Like I say, I only begin to understand this, I am not sure I agree with this.

Take for instance this stance that all of us take when faced with a confrontation, fight or flee, it is so 2D in approach, isn't there anything else that even remotely triggers our brain.  I had just met and begin to know this lovely gentleman who works for me, with thoughts and passions so similar to mine, when the other day and on this Monday morning he asked me point blank for a raise.  My immediate thought was to scamper for cover under the guise of orders or business or appointments and postpone this to later, yet as one would understand, these aren't salient thoughts.

After all, we are just sales people if I just stand my ground and wait, all the negativity just cracks up.  This is the way of life, all the negativity that comes to us, comes from our past, it is seeking to find a reflection in the future if we allow it do so and if I just accept this negativity as mine by telling it that it was me in the past then there is understanding, almost like the past and future are aligned now.

I just live in the present mostly, seek refuge in the past when there is angst in the present.  This toggle between the present and the past can cause a lot of mortals to cry out in anguish, the past is not always pleasant and all reconciled for everyone as it is for me now.  I have accepted pressures and failures of the past and gone from one milestone to another, what seems like 10 years gone by for a lot of people has just happened again for me.

As I skip through one channel to another on the TV, I understand channel skipping like no other, in 2003 when I first got into sales there was this feel that I had to develop partners who would help tide over a loss here and there.  Partners have a great feel, especially when we begin selling, then there is no looking back.  Sitting in front of the client I talk and talk, I speak for the client and the accountant sitting to the right, even for the secretary and the receptionist sitting at the front desk.  After a 30 minutes presentation, including a lot of talk combined with the themes of modern digital technology, the client looks at me with a yawn and says, "accepted" and my delight is hard to hide.  Non-Stop talking is nothing new to me and I have done it to erase boredom, sometimes anxiety and mostly to clinch orders.  Its just the world we live in.
These are my memories and I will choose when to exercise my right on them.

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This Ones Seen It All

My life seems to be a roller coaster today, there seems to be emotional upheavals that are hard to ignore, I seem to be seeing all there is to see in this world this Sunday.  Last I was at this stage, my friends had deserted me and I had given into their demands of me being the one who would be making the comebacks.  Today I am a much different man, I revel in the kind of loneliness that cracks most people up, I am living a much heralded unnoticed life and absolutely in love with it.  Sometimes there is this thought in my mind if I was to leave in 4 months for the heaven or hell that may call, would I have accomplished everything I set out for 2 years back and the answer is an emphatic YES.

The goals that I set forth in those tumultuous years preceding 2010 have been achieved, I am at peace with myself, I couldn't, for instance, care if I died tomorrow.  Wonder what would have happened if the goals had not been achieved, does the cycle of repetitions trouble us till it is achieved or are we pushed down the ladder and then a bit.  Strangely enough I don't see this world as a ladder to climb, there is no going up and no going down, just this feel that I have today that I am in the peak of my spirit, which sticks to me, no longer goes walkabout and a mind that is working towards whatever goal the spirit sets out for itself.  I am a very much a spirit minded person now, the old age terminologies of soul and purpose have been replaced by newer much healthier phrases that become my spirit now.

An oft mention phrase of the re-borns is that I have been "touched" and my "life will never be the same again".  "Death" is something that comes when "the time is right".  The terminologies exist because a part of us is so positive about life that we fail to see the positivity of Death.   I believe that a creature is most active and full of energy just before Death meets it.  The energy levels peak, the mind is pumping on adrenaline and then it happens.  The black spirit descends on the body, takes it, pushes it towards taking a step that will cause the least agony before the departure, to fight it is to prolong the agony and you may ask to what end ?

We are creatures meant to live a lonely life, this universe gives us everything if we do that, the pleasures will be transcendental, the agonies will bring bliss as well, to lose your will to the universe and be a part of it is a goal very few achieve.  Treading a lonely path, I have come to recognise that I am only physically alone and that is the demand of the universe today.  Scary thought that came to me today, if I had died two years ago, I would not have seen what has brought me to this junction.  The force that governs the universe has a plan for me and the thought of it sending me through the flames brings me bliss, my mind rises and chest fills in precious oxygen as I have no thoughts of myself, just this alignment of where my world is going today.
Just lay low brother, your thoughts are mine now.

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The Perfect Tense

Seen some Sunrises and then some, can't believe what is happening nowadays, if I am to agree to some thought processes, they would tend to push me towards an independent free thought, benign of any malice and freer than any man in the US of A,  after all, this free man just got a bit more independent.  Picked up this book the other day that challenges all our thoughts and motives behind an action.  It says here " We tend to believe in even the most mundanely dishonest theory if it falls into our routine paradigm".

Interesting thought, take for instance, a "Breakfast at Tiffanys' as an example.  A woman is totally addicted to being a party animal with all the essence of sex and intrigue pooled in, and that's how she is, till you got private with her and then she is this nervous, sweet and lovely woman.  How many of us fall into that paradigm that Holly so profoundly elucidates, she is the mistress of ceremonies for many and the perfect women for me, coz I know her to be so.

So if I met Holly on the streets one fine night and she was having a pastry at the local grocers I would be shocked, bewildered and aghast because she is the epitome of nightly sophistication to me.  On the the the other hand if I met her in a pub or a bar with a young 'un sipping on a dry martini it would all fall into place for me, it wouldn't matter that I met her on a Thursday night with a working tomorrow yet to come.  I would know that she would make it to office at 9am no matter the consequence of 3am night out.

Walked into a restaurant with a friend the other day and it was fabulous, because the air smelled just right, the morning had a bright sun and no smoke, the cloudless sky presented options to me this winter morning and I took full advantage of it, bringing with me to the cafe, my thoughts and ideas as I placed an order with the young man at the counter.  Was there for full two hours, entertained and regaled a strangely quiet motley with my phone calls and very attentive friend who took in every word that I said.
Like I say, I know not your past, I just love you.

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Riding with the King

Logic has always served me correctly, even it means seeing and then not believing, I don't always believe what I see yet.  The point I am trying to make is our perceptions make our world and who makes our perception ?

Its like this if I walked into a mall and asked for a cup of tea, there would be another bunch of people asking me to have some chocolate with the coffee.  There would always be these women hanging in the mall pointing to the direction of where you need to spend, tea -  that's a  measly Rs 20, how about spending it on the gorgeous jacket, it suits you or perhaps on that lovely tee shirt that says "addicted", I love my shoes and especially those high heels and ankle length, they go so well with my height.  I love my tube tops and buy them at the drop of a pin, they go so very well with a denim jacket with embroidery at the back and slacks.

It isn't like I am a fashion person but I am definitely in vogue, it isn't that I love my tea, but I will certainly drink a good cuppa.  I am in love with my life today, tis' changed a bit and then some, always moving and never the same.

                        Bro, if I ever saw you on the streets,
                         Would you recognise me and say hi,
                         If I moved your world yesterday,
                         Would you reward me for keeping the hyenas at bay,

                          If I lived for a dream that knew no sun
                          Would I get a Harley Davidson,
                          For its seen the light of the day now,
                          And people can't stop from saying wow,

                          I cook them up and clean 'em up,
                          Every single day of my life is just sup,
                          I watched them Beatles yesterday,
                          They just sing to I tune I pray.

I don't like the super malls much, abuse them when I feel like and then some, the idea is to be able to walk into a store and tell them to put it on the tab, and if they can't then walk back empty handed.
I hate this, commercialisation is killing me.

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Triple J's and an Icecream Sunday

Tried locating my best buddy today, searched the heavens and down to the hell, all the signs were there, I was being told by the heaven above to go get him.  Honestly, I have been trying to do that for 5 months now, trying to locate where he is, what he does and where he stays, who he bonds with, even trying to find out what he eats and when.  There is this philosophy I follow called, "develop, love and leave", I know that sounds ruthless which I admit I am, when bonding with people.

What this implies is that I try and get to a place where there is no one around, casually flick through my Marlboro pack, roll open the silver foil, take the cigarette out, spill out the contents by squeezing the paper and then pull in some freshly ground ginger and mushrooms, mix it with the tobacco and roll the paper smoke paper again, keeping the filter intact and with the right flavour in the smoke, light up the smoke taking long drags to fill up my lungs and then just when the smoke is about done say 3/4th of it, I crush it beneath my shoes and walk away.

My buddy, I miss this guy like no other person in my life, he is the best there is, but when its time for people to go, and I think its best, to just allow them to do so and I did.  Time came when I missed him and didn't have his number or address with me, at least couldn't go calling his address, his folks didn't like me too much.  Well, I have been writing a lot about him in this blog and I thought it right to make him an exception to the DLL philosophy.

See I am the all or nothing kind of lady, if I go for it, there ain't nothing stopping me, so I looked through my registers where I make my notes and found them immaculate in place, my memory grows weak and I find it hard to remember things I have said or done, my minds telling me that my time here is coming to an end, there are payments to be made and life to be saved.  I must have made some 30 calls to him that all went unanswered, I figured it was time for me to say goodbye and did so, waited for 5 months, he still ain't around and this is all I have to say :

                59 00 6f 00 75 00 20 00 68 00 61 00 76 00 65  "F**Ke* UP"

In any case I am like a woman who compares men, I don't like this idea of cozing up with any Tom Dick or Harry, I prefer to keep my distance till there is a sense of surety around them.  So whats it with my men that I like them to be clean and immaculate, I prefer their nails to be trimmed and their bedside manners the very best.  Think of it this way when I get married I want a guy who doesn't mess around the kitchen, is neat and clean in his cooking, keeps the wet towel where it is supposed to be and the room perfectly in shape.

Normally I d jump at this opportunity at going after an Irfan Khan and I know tonnes of them are available but I have to be in the right mood for it.  Strangely enough there is this guy who calls me nowadays, I think its best to avoid him, he looks like Irfan but speaks like a ham that I don't understand too well.  I knew him from college but then I have moved on and love my coffee to be extra bitter with brown sugar.  I have no respect for people who climb onto other peoples privacy in the name of treating them in fancy restaurants, the last one I went to and that too last week was the Hilton, so have no need for flattery.

Avoiding the strange calls and seeking something permanent means that I patch up with my buddy and that thought makes some interesting noises in my mind.
Hey, Come Join Me, I am Lonely Too.

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The Bee-World

Interestingly. last I bought my cologne it was from a chemist shop, I trust this guy, because he gives me what I want and I have not had any complain from him.  He stocks up everything from medicine, aspirins to cheston cold, he has everything, Lim-C and you will even get a bottle whisky from the nearby "theka" if you ask.  Smart and well dressed he just goes on and on about the medicine he sells, prices and their milligrams contents all read like a clockwork.

Just the other day, was it yesterday, I walked into the store and asked him for a pair of underwears, and he said, " for yourself or your wife ?".  I looked at him said, "what do you know about my wife ?".  He turned around and told me she had come looking for a pair of scissors the other day and had gone back buying a pair of gloves and iodine as well.  Set my mind in running, scissors probably to kill me and iodine to erase any fingerprints that the gloves might not cover.

See, everybody knows everything here, so if I had a fight my girlfriend they know, whether I have a girlfriend or not they know, how many ? a few would know and how many I have had sex with ?another handful would yet know.  It is a strange world, like I keep repeating, that requires us to tell more of ourself than learn of others.  For instance, my friend, I know today that you get your undies all mixed up and your sock are never in pair, so you have to look for the other half every morning.  I know your breakfast is always ready and you can deny it, but you are a fast food person.

I love chinese, the other days at the diners I picked up a delivery for chicken chopsuey and a sweet corn soup, it got delivered to me with flavouring, the ubiquitous yellow and red sauce, and what did I do,  walloped the soup and saved the rest for another day.  Morning when I got up, though I do admit it was late, more like 9ish, the chopsuey was gone and the flavouring was in the dustbin.  Most of love the chef' so much that we never add flavouring to our food, its like almost saying that I know you chef.

But the point is that even if I knew the chef', where did my chopsuey disappear to, there is no one in the house except me last night and I am stunned to stay the least.  All doors shut and no one in pursuit and yet the chopsuey is not there in the stack on the table.  I called up the diners and they said I had no clue what I was talking about, see I had been charged Rs 700 for stuff that was worth only Rs 150.
Two for the price of one - lose them folks, you don't need them

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They Just Started Killing Mars

From tiny tots prams to demistifyers in cars I have seen them invent everything, even screamed at them sometimes for not justifying the kind of money I spend on them.  Do you realise that my habits are known to everyone now, when I am at work they know that I might not have food if I come in early because then there will be meetings post 12pm, they also know if I come in the mid-ranges like 10ish I will definitely have grub.  They know that I am tea-coffeeholic, drink mugs of it with ease, how much sugar I need in  my cup and what is the latest brand that I like on my clothes.  Its almost like they know everything about me, if I spent some more time in office, they would in fact even know my favourite toilet paper and tooth paste....lol :->

Its a scary picture, without even a word being said, they know all my preferences.  Nothing removes them, not even a delete history helps, and if I attempt to change them, there would be somebody who would pop up with a strained abused look on his face to remind me that I prefer "happy dent" and not "Chiclets's".  Changing preferences is getting tougher and tougher and do you realise these commercial entities are behind these trends.

I may be an Indian cricket lover, however hate the present Indian Cricket Team, the new series started against the English and the whole country is talking of revenge and pride as if there isn't anything better we have than to watch 22 men run after a ball.  Whoever said these Asians were a crazy bunch of MCPs, was right.  It doesn't take them long enough to associate a sport with what they do best, and that's drama.

Now I am mostly a gender neutral person, but there are some people who just insist on me handing out my aggression, 'read a very hostile tendency with Asian males, to them.  Take for instance, the guy at work who starts his day by staring at me, like I am his wife to be subdued and suppressed, or the guy who gets me coffee, he wouldn't think twice of rummaging through my bag if he got an opportunity, something akin to spying with some fringe benefits attached.  Normally I would just show these guys the "finger" and get a move on, or change my "plan" and do something they don't like at all.

Started using Anonymizer recently and love it totally, maybe you should too, the feeling of being in safe capable reliable hands is very hard to ignore.  And of course, let me add here that I like my male friends to be clean and presentable and my female friends to be calm and thoughtful, like I said earlier I am a very gender neutral person.

Last I was on ICQ I met this lovely lady, thoughtful and calm, I still miss her,  and she said to me in a very lonely voice .....
Take care, man of my dreams .......... are you being stalked ?

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Cloudy Lonely Mornings

I will be damned if we believe it to be true
That these folks are here for sure,
No one comes and no one goes,
From this kingdom I behold,

The promise of a true dawn is just that,
Loads of balderdash and a bit sad,
But if there be a man who will sail this ship,
And the weathers got me a bit under as I sip,

These days I think of you as much I do of that kid,
The rogue who slipped a fast one and he did,
No one can be believed,
This world is failed and untrusted,

To resign to your fate is your wish,
I bloody well fight them even today with a swish,
My sword cuts through the muck even today,
As horses fly in and out,  as I stay,

If I say I love you, does'nt mean a thing,
If I say I hate you, sure doesn't stand to anything,
This has been the life for me and then a bit,
Tomorrow shall just bring what it will.

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True Smoke

In school there was always a crowd of people who would want to meet you and talk to you, remember, you were the school captain, and as a matter of fact acknowledged as the peer amongst peers.  Truth be said, those were some of the best days of my life, when there was nothing but this feel of going to school and doing as best could be done.  No thought of life or of where it was headed, just a strong tail wind to make you do what you wanted to do.

As we started to fly on our daily routines there were many times I would figure I wanted to play football instead of going for classes, I would rush into classroom thinking of when it was going to get over.  The windows to the classroom just overhung the playground and you could well imagine my thoughts when I started to lean my head out of the window and think of those days when it was overcast, the ground would be wet and I could go ahead and slip and slide in the mud trying to get a hold of the ball.  The kicks there were many, the slips many too, most importantly there was the feel of having got and given everything to the opponents, 110% percent and that feel if I get even today, I go for it.

The girls all hooting and the cheerleaders going gaga, the guys with their regular struts, it was well and truly amazing sights and sounds.  I would take the ball pass it to the right out and then dribble again and take it past two defenders and then go ahead sail the ball right across the opponents goal post for the centre forward to head it in.  Need a very hard head in soccer, as also very tough knees.

I played chess with Jenny for years, it was the most pleasant time of my life, she was a beautiful girl and had the charms of a parakeet who knew how to flaunt her feathers.  Jenny was in 10th grade when I was in 11th, we hit it off instantly, she was a sporty earthy person and I trusted her instantly.  If ever I got into a fight, here was a person who would get me out of it with her calm poise and none too aggressive nature.  She had the prowess of lioness and the calmness of a deep blue sea, a potent combination for a kid like me who had seen only aggression at home.  We would sit in the games room and play chess for hours, not exactly my favourite game, but I was willing to forgo my football for a few hours of peace and rumination with her.
I miss her, don't know where she is, but will find her.

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2010 - Reality re-defined

Re: The Matters of the Heart
message Author: Brandon
Email:brandon@bran.net
Date:2010/03/17 9:32am
Forums:personal.offbeat.letters

My sympathies !! .. This world is coming to an end, I can feel the end is near and the people of this world are beginning to feel the heat.  My world has definitely ended, I have felt pain and even felt cheated at the thought of people taking away my good fortune.
Good people just don't exist in my life, only goodness I see is when somebody gives a kid or an old man/woman a penny on the streets.  Its been a rough few years, I wish for it to all come to an end and my mind would be at peace

best regards
cheers
Brandon Miles
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: The Matters of the Heart
message Author: Jenny
Email:jenny@evener.net
Date:2010/03/17 9:40am
Forums:personal.offbeat.letters

Hi,

I feel your pain, I know what has happened, and every single moment I have lived, I share your pain.  We go through what we have to in our lives, without that one person who understands and truly believes in us.  Things will get better I promise.


jenny winslow


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: The Matters of the Heart
message Author: Brandon
Email:brandon@bran.net
Date:2010/03/17 9:50am
Forums:personal.offbeat.letters

I hope it does, but I have very little hope of anything happening, there are no people left, my folks have left me to drift and friends, well, I am not sure they exist anymore.

cheers
brandon

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: The Matters of the Heart
message Author: Jenny
Email:jenny@evener.net
Date:2010/03/17 10:01am
Forums:personal.offbeat.letters

Don't give up hope, there is always hope if nothing else.  I understand what you are saying, I am with you.  Did you have breakfast ?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: The Matters of the Heart
message Author: Brandon
Email:brandon@bran.net
Date:2010/03/17 10:15am
Forums:personal.offbeat.letters

Easy to say that, when you are not going through what I am going through.  yes I have had breakfast, had some sandwich with coffee.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: The Matters of the Heart
message Author: Jenny
Email:jenny@evener.net
Date:2010/03/17 10:21am
Forums:personal.offbeat.letters

Gotta go !! .. People have just arrived for a meeting, you take care, will speak to you later in the day.

jen
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brandon committed suicide at 11:55am on the 17th Mar 2010.


Sometimes, it occurs to me that I should have given him more time on 17th Mar 2010.
Sometime you get a second chance, other times its just too late.

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Did You See My Reality

The memories are unending, and they go on and on for eternity, I heard this sound recently that reminded me of how people would wake me up when I was a small kid.  I would be rocked and then called out to, my name never being mentioned, just mentioned in a light tone.  It is this feeling of utter security and bliss that I got then, I was important to people, probably the most important person in their lives. Today, a grown up with enough of responsibilities and pains to encounter, I still hear certain sounds that are irrefutably my childhood days.

Take for instance, this friend I have who has stayed with me for days and years and his name continues to give me pleasure even when he is not around.  These days I just break up in tears when I think of my life gone by, time has come a full circle, what I gave people I have got back.  The memories are all real and vivid, so are the tears that flow today, I feel and emote for people like I have never before, I know this in my mind that if ever there was life it seems to have galloped away on a horse chariot leaving me behind to stare at the dust.

The days they are passing quickly now, almost as if they know that I am tired of living, the nights they end up at daybreak within a few hours, its like I am sitting on the top berth of a train to nowhere, in the night I keep typing and writing and working, sleep a few winks and am up again, the other people in the compartment stare at me, almost like wanting to talk to me but seeing me at work, give in to the endless chatter that humans indulge in.  I am quiet, I would rather not talk, the one that I used to talk to is no longer there and these others bring me temporary relief, like a quick fix antibiotic.

Life is just breaking up, it is crashing, tearing apart, joining in all the wrong segments and areas and just about doing everything but whispering to me that I am a lost soul today.  The pain I feel is terrible and oddly comforting because it gets me out of reality, my reality is even more terrible than any nightmare you could have had, my friend.  The sorrows and grief in real I have encountered and felt my way blindfolded through their cave.  Only the night gives me relief now, sleep, write and then some.
Brother, I miss you so much, can I see you sometime ?

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