The Pall Bearer of Gloom

[Jamaica] died december of 2011.  I knew she would, we had been escaping death for far too long.  I know I will too, soon, there is precious little to do here and nothing that permeates my mind so totally that I dedicate myself to it.  No cause and I am lost without her, I must admit.  She died a real painful death, renal failure, I wonder if it was because of the crap we ate while we were on the road or the streets that we roamed that had dirty, filthy, infected drinking water.  Afterall why would I make her drink distilled water, she was only a d*g.  I miss her, soon my dear baby I shall be with you.  I know I killed you and I must repent and pay for it.  My days are numbered here, thats why I am not allowed to think of her, only happy thoughts are fed to me, my folks have been real nice to me for the last 6 months that she has been gone.  I am allowed to take my medicine to ease the depression, EASE be damned, actually it makes my face look and my body feel cherubic happy.  Once the effect wears off then there is a feeling of nothingness, the emptiness is the cause of the restlessness I feel, I know that.  Not that I particularly want a solution for it, with no more feelings left, the vacuum if I wanted could be filled - I don't want to, I am alrite the way I am.  Is death dark and brooding ? .. I can feel the darkness within me, like a swamp slowly pulling me to the inexorable end.  Its dark and muggy, I am sweating and can't see anything, I feel weak not able to walk straight and HE asks me, do you want to come with me to which I reply "Yes".  Who can deny Satan, he comes for me the fourth, nah, the fifth time and I just don't have it in me to deny him.  Why ? where is the now famous quote of mine " My strength is my asset" ? Don't I even have the strength to say NO to the pall bearer.  No No No I scream but he just says "Hmmmmmm".