Thursday 10 May 2012

Rise and Fall from Grace

Back .. the study on [ renewables and energy ] took its toll.  I felt ill and tired for a day, but I am back here with renewed energy and a new focus.  Been wondering so much about [death], you might think its the only thing on my mind.  But I have other things on my mind - like peace and loving [ RIP ].  Crimes, I did commit, oh and not normal ones, we are not talking about crimes of the carnal variety or love of mammon.  Come to think all this talk I try to weave on this post is all about getting to the point that is so hard to reach as it is the point of no return.  Its like getting stuck between a rock and a hard place, so if I get free I hope there is a pool of water at the bottom to fall into.  Saving grace is that I do really so want to write about it.

It all started when I was young and doing well in the city of Mysore, a lovely haven in the south of India.  Till then I had a sheltered life, living in the city of Delhi with my mom, dad and sis.  Mysore changed some things about me for sure, one I began to be counted amongst the educated elite of the country and two I picked up this habit Kleptomania.  I flicked 25 books from a shop here and shipped them to a woman in my life in Delhi as her birthday present.  How did I do it ?  Well, when a disease takes over your body, the mind is also affected.  I moved to Bangalore, another metropolis in the south, and again books were on my mind, what was it about them and this time it was Tom Peters "In Search of Excellence" that I jacked in my denim jacket to begin with.  Loved the book but I think my soul had lost the essence of its ability to read and assimilate.  I didn't know then but I was seriously ill because my ability to rationale what was right and wrong had been affected.  I just went to bookshops and picked whatever book I liked and walked out without paying for it.  What was I doing, was there a purpose, who for godsake was controlling my mind, I needed help then and now when I think of it there was no help at hand because I was looked upon as somebody who was a leader - a handsome fella with brains is always placed on a pedestal by a lot of folks.  By I needed help then as I needed help when I came back to Delhi and started this thing of stealing stuff from my own family, my cousins, from their houses - "God!! , where have you led me to and what am I doing".  The thought that occurs to me only now when I think about and repent.  Who would have thought that this tall strapping lad had such a mean streak in him.  He needed to be punished, to be brought back to his senses and how is probably another story that I will write in time. 

Suffice to say that I believe whatever crime we commit we pay for in this lifetime.  There is no afterlife only ONE LIFE TO LIVE.

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