As I got into the second class compartment of this train, I had a sense of doom, "prophecies be damned," I had done this 1500 km trip so many times and yet today, "and this dang thing was always on time," I was unsure, I was weak and trembling, weak in my head, " fear attacks it first." I had just finished a round of talks with my in-laws for eight years and the talks hadn't gone off too well, "like it ever does with the in-laws," for the first time in my life I had very little money,"its always about the money isn't it," they had insisted that I leave their daughter behind with them and go on to live my life without her. I had travelled 200 kms to the station and got on to this train alone, nobody had come to drop me, "it was time for a reality check son," my mind shouted at me and I had to agree with my mind. It wasn't going to help to remember the past, if a divorce was near, "acceptance is better than penitence," and I had been told in irrevocable terms that they wanted it to happen.
I was still thinking, "as I was apt to those days," when the train started to move, I looked at my co-passengers and there was only one pretty face is sight, the rest of them were men, she had a baby with her, probably a three year old toddler, she looked comfortable in her skin, like a woman totally in control of her life, I liked the sight of her instantly but was wary of talking or smiling a hi. Amongst the other passengers was a young lad, probably about 24 years, another gentleman not older than 30 and the rest of the two non-descript faces, as is so often in a train like this. Earlier, Raina had insisted that I make this trip down to my in-laws and I mentally made a note to thank her for the reality check, I am a procrastinator and would never have made this trip had it not been for her, she had been right about a lot of things and I was beginning to like her point of view. This lady in the compartment reminded me of Raina a lot, confident and complete, a woman at ease with her sexuality, knowing fully well that she was beautiful and people would stare at her.
This was a forty hour journey, and I knew I would get lot of time to reflect, "and deflect," any random thoughts that might stray, "actually astray," to my sub consciousness, I started to concentrate on the lady with the toddler, watching her, "it was better than watching anything else," she was making her toddler drink some water, and talking to the young guy, I gleaned from their conversation that her name was Geeta and she was a resident of Mathura, a township close to Delhi, some two hours away and that she was married to an air force pilot, "I do have very sharp ears," and she was good watching material. Raina had made me immune to the need of wanting to have a conversation with people, I was perfectly content lonely and just the way I was, no need to talk, just watch people and enjoy the play of emotion on their faces.
I was enjoying my activity when it happened, I felt a buzz in my head, "and I wasn't drunk either," I felt my head sag and allowed it to momentarily and then lifted my head to rest it on the cushion at the back. The tension of the last two days was taking its toll, I could feel the sweat as it rolled down my forehead onto my cheeks, "like somebody had lit a bomb up in my head," something in my body was not right. I gingerly managed to climb up to the top berth and plonked myself on it. Don't know what happened for the next thirty six hours, I kept trying to wake up and my head wouldn't respond, my legs and arms wanted to move but my head just wasn't there, "somebody couldn't very well have cut it," because I felt no blood. I just slept the hours through, my phone was ringing constantly during this period, mostly Raina trying to get in touch, "Are You Ok," messages, I didn't have the feel to even write back to even a single one, "feel be danged, I was dead to the world," the train could have taken me to Timbuktu and I wouldn't have cared, but somebody who cared was waiting in Delhi, I managed to get off at the platform to see Raina.
It takes a lot to revive a dead horse and flogging doesn't help.
I was still thinking, "as I was apt to those days," when the train started to move, I looked at my co-passengers and there was only one pretty face is sight, the rest of them were men, she had a baby with her, probably a three year old toddler, she looked comfortable in her skin, like a woman totally in control of her life, I liked the sight of her instantly but was wary of talking or smiling a hi. Amongst the other passengers was a young lad, probably about 24 years, another gentleman not older than 30 and the rest of the two non-descript faces, as is so often in a train like this. Earlier, Raina had insisted that I make this trip down to my in-laws and I mentally made a note to thank her for the reality check, I am a procrastinator and would never have made this trip had it not been for her, she had been right about a lot of things and I was beginning to like her point of view. This lady in the compartment reminded me of Raina a lot, confident and complete, a woman at ease with her sexuality, knowing fully well that she was beautiful and people would stare at her.
This was a forty hour journey, and I knew I would get lot of time to reflect, "and deflect," any random thoughts that might stray, "actually astray," to my sub consciousness, I started to concentrate on the lady with the toddler, watching her, "it was better than watching anything else," she was making her toddler drink some water, and talking to the young guy, I gleaned from their conversation that her name was Geeta and she was a resident of Mathura, a township close to Delhi, some two hours away and that she was married to an air force pilot, "I do have very sharp ears," and she was good watching material. Raina had made me immune to the need of wanting to have a conversation with people, I was perfectly content lonely and just the way I was, no need to talk, just watch people and enjoy the play of emotion on their faces.
I was enjoying my activity when it happened, I felt a buzz in my head, "and I wasn't drunk either," I felt my head sag and allowed it to momentarily and then lifted my head to rest it on the cushion at the back. The tension of the last two days was taking its toll, I could feel the sweat as it rolled down my forehead onto my cheeks, "like somebody had lit a bomb up in my head," something in my body was not right. I gingerly managed to climb up to the top berth and plonked myself on it. Don't know what happened for the next thirty six hours, I kept trying to wake up and my head wouldn't respond, my legs and arms wanted to move but my head just wasn't there, "somebody couldn't very well have cut it," because I felt no blood. I just slept the hours through, my phone was ringing constantly during this period, mostly Raina trying to get in touch, "Are You Ok," messages, I didn't have the feel to even write back to even a single one, "feel be danged, I was dead to the world," the train could have taken me to Timbuktu and I wouldn't have cared, but somebody who cared was waiting in Delhi, I managed to get off at the platform to see Raina.
It takes a lot to revive a dead horse and flogging doesn't help.
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