I Got You Now

Memories and Memories and then some.  Saw this huge water rat years back, it was fabulously scary, if there is a word as such, terrifying, huge, furry and walked on its two legs with a long tail, had pretty sharp teeth that it snarled out when it sensed danger.  I saw this creature some 10 years back and then I saw it again yesterday in my backyard, brought back a flood of scary thoughts, of me just standing in that alley with no lights and this rat just its eyes glittering in the dark staring at me and snarling.  That day 10 years back I just stood my ground, knees trembling, eyes watering and mouth dry, let 5 minutes pass and then bingo I was out and scooted to safer grounds.

Speaking of memories, I have known this women for years, she has been around with me through thick and thin and all I can say is buddy I know you.  Last grand memory takes me back to a car ride and memorable one with him, he at the wheels and me sitting next to him, we were cruising and talking and then before I knew we were ripping 100+ kmphs.  It was really fast and furiously fast, when suddenly there was guy in front of us who started to race all the way from Noida to Greater Noida, swerving, veering and curving to get ahead, I saw him take a spot decision, he rammed the pedal down and we went to the left of this car up ahead and at that moment, this man defining moment, I saw this other guy lose control of his car, skidding and then correcting and the skidding again coming to a halt.  We just stopped right behind this other guy, totally in control.

God, some moments are just so maturity defining, I saw this young guy with me suddenly as a man, fully in control and raring to go.  At ease with competition and at ease with the slowness with I which I wanted him to proceed, just totally awesome.  If ever, that's when I decided that this guy was to be my hero.

Friend, today I have you with me, years have gone by and then some, my memories of that other moment are still sharp though yours might not be, that moment when I lifted her in the air because the football field wasn't too visible, and she allowed me to, a tiny wisp of girl, I lifted her from under her shoulders for a full couple of minutes till the hero on the field actually drilled a goal.  Hah ! what do I know about love, nothing, I am just a poor humble guy who just knows when the feel is right, and sometimes when I get this feeling, I just go for it, even today, i just go the whole mile.
Touche', he makes love with words nowadays, and I just listen and listen and listen.

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Monday Morning's are Fatal and then Some

Its a Monday morning and work beckons, there are like a million of things to do once I get to work, one for instance I must talk and maybe sometimes even let it lose at people who just got in.  I begin to understand this mentality now, that we are just Indians, we start work late on Monday and end it early on Friday, see we work so hard so we must party hard as well.  Like I say, I only begin to understand this, I am not sure I agree with this.

Take for instance this stance that all of us take when faced with a confrontation, fight or flee, it is so 2D in approach, isn't there anything else that even remotely triggers our brain.  I had just met and begin to know this lovely gentleman who works for me, with thoughts and passions so similar to mine, when the other day and on this Monday morning he asked me point blank for a raise.  My immediate thought was to scamper for cover under the guise of orders or business or appointments and postpone this to later, yet as one would understand, these aren't salient thoughts.

After all, we are just sales people if I just stand my ground and wait, all the negativity just cracks up.  This is the way of life, all the negativity that comes to us, comes from our past, it is seeking to find a reflection in the future if we allow it do so and if I just accept this negativity as mine by telling it that it was me in the past then there is understanding, almost like the past and future are aligned now.

I just live in the present mostly, seek refuge in the past when there is angst in the present.  This toggle between the present and the past can cause a lot of mortals to cry out in anguish, the past is not always pleasant and all reconciled for everyone as it is for me now.  I have accepted pressures and failures of the past and gone from one milestone to another, what seems like 10 years gone by for a lot of people has just happened again for me.

As I skip through one channel to another on the TV, I understand channel skipping like no other, in 2003 when I first got into sales there was this feel that I had to develop partners who would help tide over a loss here and there.  Partners have a great feel, especially when we begin selling, then there is no looking back.  Sitting in front of the client I talk and talk, I speak for the client and the accountant sitting to the right, even for the secretary and the receptionist sitting at the front desk.  After a 30 minutes presentation, including a lot of talk combined with the themes of modern digital technology, the client looks at me with a yawn and says, "accepted" and my delight is hard to hide.  Non-Stop talking is nothing new to me and I have done it to erase boredom, sometimes anxiety and mostly to clinch orders.  Its just the world we live in.
These are my memories and I will choose when to exercise my right on them.

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This Ones Seen It All

My life seems to be a roller coaster today, there seems to be emotional upheavals that are hard to ignore, I seem to be seeing all there is to see in this world this Sunday.  Last I was at this stage, my friends had deserted me and I had given into their demands of me being the one who would be making the comebacks.  Today I am a much different man, I revel in the kind of loneliness that cracks most people up, I am living a much heralded unnoticed life and absolutely in love with it.  Sometimes there is this thought in my mind if I was to leave in 4 months for the heaven or hell that may call, would I have accomplished everything I set out for 2 years back and the answer is an emphatic YES.

The goals that I set forth in those tumultuous years preceding 2010 have been achieved, I am at peace with myself, I couldn't, for instance, care if I died tomorrow.  Wonder what would have happened if the goals had not been achieved, does the cycle of repetitions trouble us till it is achieved or are we pushed down the ladder and then a bit.  Strangely enough I don't see this world as a ladder to climb, there is no going up and no going down, just this feel that I have today that I am in the peak of my spirit, which sticks to me, no longer goes walkabout and a mind that is working towards whatever goal the spirit sets out for itself.  I am a very much a spirit minded person now, the old age terminologies of soul and purpose have been replaced by newer much healthier phrases that become my spirit now.

An oft mention phrase of the re-borns is that I have been "touched" and my "life will never be the same again".  "Death" is something that comes when "the time is right".  The terminologies exist because a part of us is so positive about life that we fail to see the positivity of Death.   I believe that a creature is most active and full of energy just before Death meets it.  The energy levels peak, the mind is pumping on adrenaline and then it happens.  The black spirit descends on the body, takes it, pushes it towards taking a step that will cause the least agony before the departure, to fight it is to prolong the agony and you may ask to what end ?

We are creatures meant to live a lonely life, this universe gives us everything if we do that, the pleasures will be transcendental, the agonies will bring bliss as well, to lose your will to the universe and be a part of it is a goal very few achieve.  Treading a lonely path, I have come to recognise that I am only physically alone and that is the demand of the universe today.  Scary thought that came to me today, if I had died two years ago, I would not have seen what has brought me to this junction.  The force that governs the universe has a plan for me and the thought of it sending me through the flames brings me bliss, my mind rises and chest fills in precious oxygen as I have no thoughts of myself, just this alignment of where my world is going today.
Just lay low brother, your thoughts are mine now.

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The Perfect Tense

Seen some Sunrises and then some, can't believe what is happening nowadays, if I am to agree to some thought processes, they would tend to push me towards an independent free thought, benign of any malice and freer than any man in the US of A,  after all, this free man just got a bit more independent.  Picked up this book the other day that challenges all our thoughts and motives behind an action.  It says here " We tend to believe in even the most mundanely dishonest theory if it falls into our routine paradigm".

Interesting thought, take for instance, a "Breakfast at Tiffanys' as an example.  A woman is totally addicted to being a party animal with all the essence of sex and intrigue pooled in, and that's how she is, till you got private with her and then she is this nervous, sweet and lovely woman.  How many of us fall into that paradigm that Holly so profoundly elucidates, she is the mistress of ceremonies for many and the perfect women for me, coz I know her to be so.

So if I met Holly on the streets one fine night and she was having a pastry at the local grocers I would be shocked, bewildered and aghast because she is the epitome of nightly sophistication to me.  On the the the other hand if I met her in a pub or a bar with a young 'un sipping on a dry martini it would all fall into place for me, it wouldn't matter that I met her on a Thursday night with a working tomorrow yet to come.  I would know that she would make it to office at 9am no matter the consequence of 3am night out.

Walked into a restaurant with a friend the other day and it was fabulous, because the air smelled just right, the morning had a bright sun and no smoke, the cloudless sky presented options to me this winter morning and I took full advantage of it, bringing with me to the cafe, my thoughts and ideas as I placed an order with the young man at the counter.  Was there for full two hours, entertained and regaled a strangely quiet motley with my phone calls and very attentive friend who took in every word that I said.
Like I say, I know not your past, I just love you.

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Riding with the King

Logic has always served me correctly, even it means seeing and then not believing, I don't always believe what I see yet.  The point I am trying to make is our perceptions make our world and who makes our perception ?

Its like this if I walked into a mall and asked for a cup of tea, there would be another bunch of people asking me to have some chocolate with the coffee.  There would always be these women hanging in the mall pointing to the direction of where you need to spend, tea -  that's a  measly Rs 20, how about spending it on the gorgeous jacket, it suits you or perhaps on that lovely tee shirt that says "addicted", I love my shoes and especially those high heels and ankle length, they go so well with my height.  I love my tube tops and buy them at the drop of a pin, they go so very well with a denim jacket with embroidery at the back and slacks.

It isn't like I am a fashion person but I am definitely in vogue, it isn't that I love my tea, but I will certainly drink a good cuppa.  I am in love with my life today, tis' changed a bit and then some, always moving and never the same.

                        Bro, if I ever saw you on the streets,
                         Would you recognise me and say hi,
                         If I moved your world yesterday,
                         Would you reward me for keeping the hyenas at bay,

                          If I lived for a dream that knew no sun
                          Would I get a Harley Davidson,
                          For its seen the light of the day now,
                          And people can't stop from saying wow,

                          I cook them up and clean 'em up,
                          Every single day of my life is just sup,
                          I watched them Beatles yesterday,
                          They just sing to I tune I pray.

I don't like the super malls much, abuse them when I feel like and then some, the idea is to be able to walk into a store and tell them to put it on the tab, and if they can't then walk back empty handed.
I hate this, commercialisation is killing me.

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Triple J's and an Icecream Sunday

Tried locating my best buddy today, searched the heavens and down to the hell, all the signs were there, I was being told by the heaven above to go get him.  Honestly, I have been trying to do that for 5 months now, trying to locate where he is, what he does and where he stays, who he bonds with, even trying to find out what he eats and when.  There is this philosophy I follow called, "develop, love and leave", I know that sounds ruthless which I admit I am, when bonding with people.

What this implies is that I try and get to a place where there is no one around, casually flick through my Marlboro pack, roll open the silver foil, take the cigarette out, spill out the contents by squeezing the paper and then pull in some freshly ground ginger and mushrooms, mix it with the tobacco and roll the paper smoke paper again, keeping the filter intact and with the right flavour in the smoke, light up the smoke taking long drags to fill up my lungs and then just when the smoke is about done say 3/4th of it, I crush it beneath my shoes and walk away.

My buddy, I miss this guy like no other person in my life, he is the best there is, but when its time for people to go, and I think its best, to just allow them to do so and I did.  Time came when I missed him and didn't have his number or address with me, at least couldn't go calling his address, his folks didn't like me too much.  Well, I have been writing a lot about him in this blog and I thought it right to make him an exception to the DLL philosophy.

See I am the all or nothing kind of lady, if I go for it, there ain't nothing stopping me, so I looked through my registers where I make my notes and found them immaculate in place, my memory grows weak and I find it hard to remember things I have said or done, my minds telling me that my time here is coming to an end, there are payments to be made and life to be saved.  I must have made some 30 calls to him that all went unanswered, I figured it was time for me to say goodbye and did so, waited for 5 months, he still ain't around and this is all I have to say :

                59 00 6f 00 75 00 20 00 68 00 61 00 76 00 65  "F**Ke* UP"

In any case I am like a woman who compares men, I don't like this idea of cozing up with any Tom Dick or Harry, I prefer to keep my distance till there is a sense of surety around them.  So whats it with my men that I like them to be clean and immaculate, I prefer their nails to be trimmed and their bedside manners the very best.  Think of it this way when I get married I want a guy who doesn't mess around the kitchen, is neat and clean in his cooking, keeps the wet towel where it is supposed to be and the room perfectly in shape.

Normally I d jump at this opportunity at going after an Irfan Khan and I know tonnes of them are available but I have to be in the right mood for it.  Strangely enough there is this guy who calls me nowadays, I think its best to avoid him, he looks like Irfan but speaks like a ham that I don't understand too well.  I knew him from college but then I have moved on and love my coffee to be extra bitter with brown sugar.  I have no respect for people who climb onto other peoples privacy in the name of treating them in fancy restaurants, the last one I went to and that too last week was the Hilton, so have no need for flattery.

Avoiding the strange calls and seeking something permanent means that I patch up with my buddy and that thought makes some interesting noises in my mind.
Hey, Come Join Me, I am Lonely Too.

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The Bee-World

Interestingly. last I bought my cologne it was from a chemist shop, I trust this guy, because he gives me what I want and I have not had any complain from him.  He stocks up everything from medicine, aspirins to cheston cold, he has everything, Lim-C and you will even get a bottle whisky from the nearby "theka" if you ask.  Smart and well dressed he just goes on and on about the medicine he sells, prices and their milligrams contents all read like a clockwork.

Just the other day, was it yesterday, I walked into the store and asked him for a pair of underwears, and he said, " for yourself or your wife ?".  I looked at him said, "what do you know about my wife ?".  He turned around and told me she had come looking for a pair of scissors the other day and had gone back buying a pair of gloves and iodine as well.  Set my mind in running, scissors probably to kill me and iodine to erase any fingerprints that the gloves might not cover.

See, everybody knows everything here, so if I had a fight my girlfriend they know, whether I have a girlfriend or not they know, how many ? a few would know and how many I have had sex with ?another handful would yet know.  It is a strange world, like I keep repeating, that requires us to tell more of ourself than learn of others.  For instance, my friend, I know today that you get your undies all mixed up and your sock are never in pair, so you have to look for the other half every morning.  I know your breakfast is always ready and you can deny it, but you are a fast food person.

I love chinese, the other days at the diners I picked up a delivery for chicken chopsuey and a sweet corn soup, it got delivered to me with flavouring, the ubiquitous yellow and red sauce, and what did I do,  walloped the soup and saved the rest for another day.  Morning when I got up, though I do admit it was late, more like 9ish, the chopsuey was gone and the flavouring was in the dustbin.  Most of love the chef' so much that we never add flavouring to our food, its like almost saying that I know you chef.

But the point is that even if I knew the chef', where did my chopsuey disappear to, there is no one in the house except me last night and I am stunned to stay the least.  All doors shut and no one in pursuit and yet the chopsuey is not there in the stack on the table.  I called up the diners and they said I had no clue what I was talking about, see I had been charged Rs 700 for stuff that was worth only Rs 150.
Two for the price of one - lose them folks, you don't need them

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They Just Started Killing Mars

From tiny tots prams to demistifyers in cars I have seen them invent everything, even screamed at them sometimes for not justifying the kind of money I spend on them.  Do you realise that my habits are known to everyone now, when I am at work they know that I might not have food if I come in early because then there will be meetings post 12pm, they also know if I come in the mid-ranges like 10ish I will definitely have grub.  They know that I am tea-coffeeholic, drink mugs of it with ease, how much sugar I need in  my cup and what is the latest brand that I like on my clothes.  Its almost like they know everything about me, if I spent some more time in office, they would in fact even know my favourite toilet paper and tooth paste....lol :->

Its a scary picture, without even a word being said, they know all my preferences.  Nothing removes them, not even a delete history helps, and if I attempt to change them, there would be somebody who would pop up with a strained abused look on his face to remind me that I prefer "happy dent" and not "Chiclets's".  Changing preferences is getting tougher and tougher and do you realise these commercial entities are behind these trends.

I may be an Indian cricket lover, however hate the present Indian Cricket Team, the new series started against the English and the whole country is talking of revenge and pride as if there isn't anything better we have than to watch 22 men run after a ball.  Whoever said these Asians were a crazy bunch of MCPs, was right.  It doesn't take them long enough to associate a sport with what they do best, and that's drama.

Now I am mostly a gender neutral person, but there are some people who just insist on me handing out my aggression, 'read a very hostile tendency with Asian males, to them.  Take for instance, the guy at work who starts his day by staring at me, like I am his wife to be subdued and suppressed, or the guy who gets me coffee, he wouldn't think twice of rummaging through my bag if he got an opportunity, something akin to spying with some fringe benefits attached.  Normally I would just show these guys the "finger" and get a move on, or change my "plan" and do something they don't like at all.

Started using Anonymizer recently and love it totally, maybe you should too, the feeling of being in safe capable reliable hands is very hard to ignore.  And of course, let me add here that I like my male friends to be clean and presentable and my female friends to be calm and thoughtful, like I said earlier I am a very gender neutral person.

Last I was on ICQ I met this lovely lady, thoughtful and calm, I still miss her,  and she said to me in a very lonely voice .....
Take care, man of my dreams .......... are you being stalked ?

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Cloudy Lonely Mornings

I will be damned if we believe it to be true
That these folks are here for sure,
No one comes and no one goes,
From this kingdom I behold,

The promise of a true dawn is just that,
Loads of balderdash and a bit sad,
But if there be a man who will sail this ship,
And the weathers got me a bit under as I sip,

These days I think of you as much I do of that kid,
The rogue who slipped a fast one and he did,
No one can be believed,
This world is failed and untrusted,

To resign to your fate is your wish,
I bloody well fight them even today with a swish,
My sword cuts through the muck even today,
As horses fly in and out,  as I stay,

If I say I love you, does'nt mean a thing,
If I say I hate you, sure doesn't stand to anything,
This has been the life for me and then a bit,
Tomorrow shall just bring what it will.

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True Smoke

In school there was always a crowd of people who would want to meet you and talk to you, remember, you were the school captain, and as a matter of fact acknowledged as the peer amongst peers.  Truth be said, those were some of the best days of my life, when there was nothing but this feel of going to school and doing as best could be done.  No thought of life or of where it was headed, just a strong tail wind to make you do what you wanted to do.

As we started to fly on our daily routines there were many times I would figure I wanted to play football instead of going for classes, I would rush into classroom thinking of when it was going to get over.  The windows to the classroom just overhung the playground and you could well imagine my thoughts when I started to lean my head out of the window and think of those days when it was overcast, the ground would be wet and I could go ahead and slip and slide in the mud trying to get a hold of the ball.  The kicks there were many, the slips many too, most importantly there was the feel of having got and given everything to the opponents, 110% percent and that feel if I get even today, I go for it.

The girls all hooting and the cheerleaders going gaga, the guys with their regular struts, it was well and truly amazing sights and sounds.  I would take the ball pass it to the right out and then dribble again and take it past two defenders and then go ahead sail the ball right across the opponents goal post for the centre forward to head it in.  Need a very hard head in soccer, as also very tough knees.

I played chess with Jenny for years, it was the most pleasant time of my life, she was a beautiful girl and had the charms of a parakeet who knew how to flaunt her feathers.  Jenny was in 10th grade when I was in 11th, we hit it off instantly, she was a sporty earthy person and I trusted her instantly.  If ever I got into a fight, here was a person who would get me out of it with her calm poise and none too aggressive nature.  She had the prowess of lioness and the calmness of a deep blue sea, a potent combination for a kid like me who had seen only aggression at home.  We would sit in the games room and play chess for hours, not exactly my favourite game, but I was willing to forgo my football for a few hours of peace and rumination with her.
I miss her, don't know where she is, but will find her.

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2010 - Reality re-defined

Re: The Matters of the Heart
message Author: Brandon
Email:brandon@bran.net
Date:2010/03/17 9:32am
Forums:personal.offbeat.letters

My sympathies !! .. This world is coming to an end, I can feel the end is near and the people of this world are beginning to feel the heat.  My world has definitely ended, I have felt pain and even felt cheated at the thought of people taking away my good fortune.
Good people just don't exist in my life, only goodness I see is when somebody gives a kid or an old man/woman a penny on the streets.  Its been a rough few years, I wish for it to all come to an end and my mind would be at peace

best regards
cheers
Brandon Miles
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: The Matters of the Heart
message Author: Jenny
Email:jenny@evener.net
Date:2010/03/17 9:40am
Forums:personal.offbeat.letters

Hi,

I feel your pain, I know what has happened, and every single moment I have lived, I share your pain.  We go through what we have to in our lives, without that one person who understands and truly believes in us.  Things will get better I promise.


jenny winslow


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: The Matters of the Heart
message Author: Brandon
Email:brandon@bran.net
Date:2010/03/17 9:50am
Forums:personal.offbeat.letters

I hope it does, but I have very little hope of anything happening, there are no people left, my folks have left me to drift and friends, well, I am not sure they exist anymore.

cheers
brandon

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: The Matters of the Heart
message Author: Jenny
Email:jenny@evener.net
Date:2010/03/17 10:01am
Forums:personal.offbeat.letters

Don't give up hope, there is always hope if nothing else.  I understand what you are saying, I am with you.  Did you have breakfast ?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: The Matters of the Heart
message Author: Brandon
Email:brandon@bran.net
Date:2010/03/17 10:15am
Forums:personal.offbeat.letters

Easy to say that, when you are not going through what I am going through.  yes I have had breakfast, had some sandwich with coffee.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Re: The Matters of the Heart
message Author: Jenny
Email:jenny@evener.net
Date:2010/03/17 10:21am
Forums:personal.offbeat.letters

Gotta go !! .. People have just arrived for a meeting, you take care, will speak to you later in the day.

jen
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Brandon committed suicide at 11:55am on the 17th Mar 2010.


Sometimes, it occurs to me that I should have given him more time on 17th Mar 2010.
Sometime you get a second chance, other times its just too late.

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Did You See My Reality

The memories are unending, and they go on and on for eternity, I heard this sound recently that reminded me of how people would wake me up when I was a small kid.  I would be rocked and then called out to, my name never being mentioned, just mentioned in a light tone.  It is this feeling of utter security and bliss that I got then, I was important to people, probably the most important person in their lives. Today, a grown up with enough of responsibilities and pains to encounter, I still hear certain sounds that are irrefutably my childhood days.

Take for instance, this friend I have who has stayed with me for days and years and his name continues to give me pleasure even when he is not around.  These days I just break up in tears when I think of my life gone by, time has come a full circle, what I gave people I have got back.  The memories are all real and vivid, so are the tears that flow today, I feel and emote for people like I have never before, I know this in my mind that if ever there was life it seems to have galloped away on a horse chariot leaving me behind to stare at the dust.

The days they are passing quickly now, almost as if they know that I am tired of living, the nights they end up at daybreak within a few hours, its like I am sitting on the top berth of a train to nowhere, in the night I keep typing and writing and working, sleep a few winks and am up again, the other people in the compartment stare at me, almost like wanting to talk to me but seeing me at work, give in to the endless chatter that humans indulge in.  I am quiet, I would rather not talk, the one that I used to talk to is no longer there and these others bring me temporary relief, like a quick fix antibiotic.

Life is just breaking up, it is crashing, tearing apart, joining in all the wrong segments and areas and just about doing everything but whispering to me that I am a lost soul today.  The pain I feel is terrible and oddly comforting because it gets me out of reality, my reality is even more terrible than any nightmare you could have had, my friend.  The sorrows and grief in real I have encountered and felt my way blindfolded through their cave.  Only the night gives me relief now, sleep, write and then some.
Brother, I miss you so much, can I see you sometime ?

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The Grapes need Sun

I soar the empty skies, looking for my prey, I am not in it for the pleasure, but for the feel and intuitiveness I derive from it.  You can see me flying low mostly, I am small and very pretty, I stay away from the maddening crowd, look for my own for I have several mouths to feed.   I hunt at the break of dawn, look for peace as dusk descends and without fail I have the meal on the table every evening.

The other day, I soared the skies over the township of Neemrana, I know it to be so, because I heard the rest of the species talk of it as an ancient city with history.  I know because I can read the signs in the sky that tell me where I have reached, it is on the color of the leaves and the dew drops in the morning and the way the breeze changes its scent, I just know where I am every moment of my life. This life has given me so much pain and its unbelievable today, that i can sense the sorrow in your dreams even as I walk in them.

That reminds me, last I walked the forests there were these red looking flowers that didn't look like poppy but turned out to be poppy, scented and flowered to give the seeds of stupor, or as they call them in some parts of the world, the grapes of sorrow.  Institutionally, I am a reliable creature, though I must hunt even nowadays to make species believe that I exist.  There is life after death I know, for I have been reborn many times in the same avatar, from the hotel maid to the royal queen I have seen it all.

Today, I stand at crossroads, for I feel a sense of sorrow in my friends as they try to realign with this force that visits me every morning to tell me its thoughts on where I must head to find this source of sorrow.  I get this feeling that somebody is not well or at least feeling down enough to suggest the wiping out of his existence, I must have heard what he did, and the cost of his life is too high a price to ignore.  I might live free and wild, but I cannot ignore this call that my forces bring to me this morning.  It is just him that I must take care of now, he is seen far too many wars and attrition and I cannot lose his thoughts now, for he is the guide I have always wanted.
Tell me how to reach him, because I have been touched by his sorrow.

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I am five ... Going on Perfect Ten

The new year just went by in a flash, there were sights and sounds those that hadn't been around for a while, that exist today, it's just amazing that people live their lives thinking of something without doing it.  When I think I just do it, this year 2013 my resolutions were clear, and I had only three things in my mind :

Act 2 Scene 1   Popularity
Everything and everything is determined by popularity, one for instance, the friends you have, the people who look up your phone number and how many of them actually call you to parties.  I am not a party animal but definitely want to get to be one now.  How does it sound, me on a scooter, all dressed up like spidey, the architect of the next splurge.  And as I start crawling on my scooter, I would obviously be thinking, thinking of ideas to save the world and its inhabitants which obviously included me as well, so as I cross the street, each idea would spring up a friend who could, if she or he wanted, hop on to my scooter and we would talk and chat till the next destination.  The engine of the scooter would give me the power on demand and handle multiple tasks like breaking, accelerating at the same time, I believe that gives it the ability to skid across in a U at top speed.  Wouldn't this be an interesting experiment in popularity.

Act 2 Scene 2   Positioning
Now this is where all the high tech jazz would come, because most people have no idea about this, wouldn't it be fun if I could for example by the play of emotion on your face, tell this scooter to go where ever you wanted to go, and ofcourse we talk, but the scooter, and lets call it spidey hypothetically, knows where to go.  I would require a camera facing the passenger seat to figure out the play of emotions, I can't very well turn while I am driving ain't it.  Your emotions and your demands is what I shall respond and that would be final.  Friend I am here for you, search for spidey and you shall find me.

Act 2 Scene 3   Status
Friend of mine thinks there a whole lot of stuff happening when things are "complicated", I tend to agree with her.  Now for instance if I wrote :


                 I am "man AND human OR bird NOT animal" AND
                 my name is "ALAN K**TTS"

The possibility of you finding that person is very high as also figuring out that this person may be dead.  Now that status for me defines the near perfect status statement as one can get.

These are just some operators that I would be willing to go by this year 2013, and may there be light at the end of tunnel now
I may be a bird but I still hunt, people call me RH.

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The Bugle of Sadness

I live on the streets,
Live a lonely life,
It brings me no pleasure,
Its a job that I do,

Believe me I am lonely,
No friends to back on ,
A tired feeling in my head,
That breaks up into a million pieces

As I wake up to tomorrow,
I can feel my world taking a nosedive,
To the calls of the world,
which holds no meaning to me.

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All Substance No Frill

This has been a day of mixes, one for instance I have tried to build it up to a crescendo, succeeded yet I have mixed feelings in my head.  I am thinking of going away from all of it, there is nothing that convinces me that this life is going anywhere.  I have tried just about everything to make it work and yet I am plagued by doubts.  Have no friends today, no family, I move with a pack of strangers, its not been easy for the past one year and I am having second thoughts about the whole concept I have been trying to build for a year.

I have seen it coming, this feeling of utter helplessness as I am not meeting the people I should and for the first time in my life it doesn't matter anymore, I enjoy some days and then there are setbacks to the thought I try and build up where I discover people just don't understand me.  This survival bit is getting me low and down, it would have been very handy to have someone with me who could think it through with me, today I am just like a university zombie, seeing, believing and then losing faith.

All my thoughts and concepts have been commercialised, what should have been mine is now somebody else, I am meeting more leeches than my kind, independent free thinkers.

Here's what I did last night, I wrote mail to one of the ftpmailers asking for information on a certain topic, reply : nothing here.  I send another mail to altavista with search parameters asking for information on digital media, reply : found 644 links to the topic.  Scanned all the links and figured what would be of interest to me would be 105 of them.
                 Host space.iit.del (18.75.0.10)
                 Last updated 20:02 22 Jan 2011

                Location: /pub/mydir
                FILE -rw-r--r-- 407040 bytes 19:55 28 Nov 2007 media scan.pdf

 I used to read a lot of Archie's when I was young, the idea was fabulous, Archie, Betty and Veronica and Jughead to beat some sense into their heads.  It was the very basics of characters, everyone had a role and they played the personality to the core.  As characters became more advanced, they are now called avatars, the roles remained but their execution became more and more easy as we had GUI's to handle what the character would do, it had tools and skills that turned the avatar to genuine human emulators.

To Decode  :
Archie's character was a complicated set of affair and required him to be simple, loving, humble and with shades of greatness, the toughest thing to achieve when recreating a comic book.  If I fetch a comic from a local store, the 1997 version and the 2012 versions are drastically different, and I am in no position to understand them, to understand them I would require a translator of sought, somebody who played the character well enough to explain it to me.


To Unzip     :
For a big character like Big Moose, it would be easy, just create a character that keeps it mouth shut and opens it only when there is aggression in the offing.  Same with Ethel, she was easy to create


Conclusions :
Good Judgement comes with experience and experience comes with having made bad judgements.

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Back From the Dead

These days when I make coffee, I dream up ways of making it, for instance do I put a spoon of coffee powder or do I put another spoon of hot milk in it, all  million dollar thoughts.  There is wonder in almost everything I do nowadays, when I talk I revel in my voice, I listen to myself speak, I haven't spoken in a couple of days now so it must be marvelous for my brain to hear my own voice.

Status quo is about this ability to handle contradictions in life, one for instance, when people reach a stage in life that they have spoken a lot to each other, then there is absolute silence for a while.  Just where I have reached with myself, a silent unspoken pact with my soul, if it wants peace and quiet then I will give it just that.

The signs on the road are telling me to go straight today, so I went straight and rapidly, it however pays to look back when I drive rapidly forward, you see, whats happening is that 10 steps forward and a a step back doesn't hurt too much. That has been my way of life for a few days now.  Absolutely straight and loving it now.

While I was talking that coffee cup has just finished brewing, as I pour it into a cup and savour the smell of it, its just wonderful, got everything just the way I wanted it to be today, its been another one of those sundays where the sun was out and day was bright, the birds chirped through out the day and just now I heard the bitch bark as well.
God Bless You All .... Goodnite

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Sweet as a Hornets Nest

I just love Diwali, it really is the spirit of the season, think of it, spirits ranging from Vodka moskowa of course, Gin pure Gordon and Whisky Blenders Pride, to work the mood and the spiciest of dishes to get me moving.  I believe that I am not a very smart person, for instance I don't know what to do if the engine oil light comes on in my car, or if the fuse blows up in my house, in fact wouldn't even know what to do if the kids burnt their fingers burning crackers.  I am a pleasant personality, and for somebody who runs for instance a large business or maybe stands for the Member of Parliament in the country I am an easy prey, I succumb to temptations and sweet talk, and sometimes even put ice in my beer.

Now, when I get on my bike, that's when things start to happen to me, remember mostly I sleep at night, but when the bike revs are going, I turn into a bat.  The GUI of the bike is just superb, its got like these 4 dials to indicate various things and suddenly I have the instincts to track all of them at once.  Its virtually like I am multitasking and with what ease.

The dial for the revs indicator is bottom centre, on the top I have got the speedometer and the two on the left and right indicate something I am not totally sure of, the total mess and confusion caused by the four dials is enormous and this can be turned into an advantage by back lighting only two of the dials, my bike has that provision too.  Wow !

If I was a lawyer , I would have kept a side rack on the bike for the files that I would be carrying.  Most importantly I need to cover all the important parts on the bike and make them water proof and fire proof.  For instance the anti water solution for the chassis, a thin layer of plastic or polythene trims for the tank and fenders both rear and front.  This protection is extremely important, as you would understand I am but a dumb slave, I don't know much about this, however since I have been dabbling into bikes I might have somethings I could pass on to a few folks.

So once I am on my dream bike, there would be like tonnes of glances that I would get from passerby, noting the number, my dress code and in fact even the shape of my face and the beard that I sport so willingly.  This is something to be avoided, for instance do not stare back at someone staring at you, or as a matter of fact do sit back low down on the bike so that you don't stand out.  Just somethings I have learnt over a period of time, otherwise as I would suggest, what do I know .....
Sit Back and Stay Hidden - My Star, You are My Everything

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Is This Your Reality Today ?

March of 1997 was a monumental month and year in my life, I guess its a wonder that I am going back beyond 2001 at all, however till 1997, I was a slave, slave in a world not mine, slave to the capitalist theories and consumerism habits.  Mostly everything we have in life is free, include the food we eat, water we drink and air that we breathe.  This world that I walk in was meant to be mine, not to be owned by some company that failed to spot me amongst the masses it sold Colgate toothpaste to.  I still prefer Neem branches but they stopped selling them here... lol.. :->

In a world of consumerism, products are launched with relatively short shelf life, they are shipped to stores across the country to be distributed to starving wide eyed slave.  From ipods to self help books, everything is for sale, grab one while you can, its on discount right now, you find a better deal later on, or forget about that you might not get this item at all.

When I started on this journey of finding her, there was nobody who was going to help me out, one for instance I was going too rigid in  my opinions in life and two people lie about what they hear when you speak to them.  A casual nod could mean a lot of things from a flirty yes to a nonchalant maybe.  But nobody would help you, they would point you in directions for you to find for yourself, directions which could turn out to be right, I am an optimist after all, so will not refute that 8 times out of 10 people point you in directions that will make you happy. Issue is not with finding happiness it is with defining happiness.

Speaking of right direction, the other day I took the "left" direction and saw her again, the lady I had met that day, the one who ranked me at a lowly first rung compared to her heroes, she was walking with a phone in her hand, gripping it tightly, seemed to be a Nokia and a brand new one.  She was looking great, had mascara in her eyes, a pale blue lipstick, earrings to match and the matching mobile in red.  She looked great, the light was soft illuminated as the sun would be at 5pm on a winter evening, the green foliage accentuated everything about her.  I looked at her and said "Hi", it was like I was talking to a mirror, everything so perfect about her.

Saint Gobain, I believe, does a great job of mirrors that reflect perfection, you could be standing in your dressing room or at the swimming pool and the image it would be give will be distortion less and 100% fidelity.  As you pass mirrors remember to give a quiet wave from the left to the right, if you see your hand move true to the right without a dip in the image or a blurr affecting the movement then it is a true reflect mirror.  And this is the conventional thought as well.

Friend of mine, needs no introduction in the circle I move in, others might have trouble acknowledging his achievements or even recognising him, and I think the world of him, he wrote the following lines in 1997

                        More than that, "Reality Cracking" can be accomplished

                       by anyone with a critical mind. You don't need hours

               of undisturbed time in front of the computer. You can

                   practise your reality cracking skills all day long,

                      everyday of your life! And you should, lest you be taken

                           advantage of unknowingly.

In my world today, nothing happened ..... I think

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Yesterday !!!!

Rape, mayhem and arson everywhere, my world I think went berserk today.   Effigies were burnt somewhere and someplace else there were like a couple of cases of rapes reported overnight, corruption charges and counter charges, I live in country where this is nothing new, but still shocks the wits out of me when I see this happen.  Money has been the source of the problem or rather the lack of it, people who have it hide behind steel vaults and will not see anyone without an encrypted password.

People who have money have so much of it that they don't know what to do with it, its almost uncanny, where in the world do you see crores 'read tens of millions of rupees spent on grand weddings, thousands of people flown down abroad for the ceremony hosted in ***** hotels for a week.  It flows, the alcohol, the music and the women and yet the source is unending.

This bitter cycle of haves and havenots has taken its toll in the heartland where rich farmers sons go around molesting and mauling women who raise their voice against their tyranny, it is seen as and taken pride in if the male dominates the female, there is no thought or rationale to it, just the macho bit and the kick in the mind.

Not just the Rural parts of the country but even urban middle class is in crisis, I believe it is our very identity that is at stake, as hordes of ancient ideas pour in from the villages, couples on the run, men with psycho problems and even women with history of been battered in homes, come running to the cities.  Delhi, where I stay has as yet absorbed the impact and remarkably well and will continue to do so.

The urban history is untarnished here, we are people with strong sense of belonging and take pride in their multi-cultural and multi-plural mentality. We continue to sustain aggression against mediocrity of thought.
Seems Only Like Yesterday, I Fell in Love.

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An Ode, A Prayer - I Need You

I think I am an angel coz you told me so,
I think I am a star coz you see me so,
I wish for a tomorrow too friend,
If there is a life with you I d spend,

My days are going fast and then some,
Only when I think it is rum,
These days I think and think,
Of why you gave all this a swish,

Swords I have many too,
Some in my cupboard that others would shoo,
This world now gives me happiness,
Because it knows I am with you my highness

I wish for my world to be yours,
And when it does happen, and I know my heart is pure,
There will be no regrets of what has been left behind,
At the back of it there is nothing but my mind

As I look to my future and behold,
It dawns on me and see what it holds,
Therein lies the key to everything I see,
For Tavi, you are the dream like a bee,

Seeing, believing doing and a living thing,
Of hope and belief you sing,
Touchwood my friend, you are everything to me,
From the deepest corners to the depths of the sea,

You are the song of the sunshine,
You are the song that I sing,
In this life if I attain you and god almighty,
There shall be no prettier sight,

There have been times when I have sung,
Praises of thee to all and one,
I miss you and wish you,
For this diwali to be the best ever for thee 

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The Clockwork Tick Tock

The thoughts as usual nowadays flow freely, they don't have any other intention but to bring to fore the emotions that I feel today.  I have loved and lost several times and will continue to do so, if there was one regret out of all of this, it is the thought of not having pressed that call button often enough on my phone.  I am but a living being, if I miss her here I wish to catch her there, and whatever it takes I will try and make it work for this dream to come true.

So what are dreams, are they like manifestations of our inner most desires, or are they thoughts poured into our head when the brain has been blazed blank.  I have been a trail blazer for a part of my life, nothing new, this feel of doing something unusual or carrying it to where no one has always attracted me to it.  I am but a whistleblower today, I do what i do and am proud of it.  Last I walked into an office on Connaught Place there were these thoughts that there was always going to be a gap between what I am today and what these folks desire of me.  Maybe I am way to far back today, I could be in part, thought of as the last in the queue.

So, like I said I took a flight to Delhi, walked into this office in Connaught Place and asked them, do you wanna do business ?  We run this place like a clockwork, why would we want to do business, we don't even have the time to look at ourselves, forget about looking at you and checking out why you are here.  It is but a funny thought, I believe I met the girl of my dreams today and she was walking her dog in Connaught Place, is there space there to walk dogs, she is gorgeous looking and, touchwood, I like her.

Dreams are what this life is made of, I saw one, and saw it through, we spoke about coffee and tofees and lolipops and everything under the sun, just the perfect 1 hour, I got to know that I probably am at the first rung of what she thinks her hero is, yet I am sure of what I saw today. I wonder if I will meet her again ?
Just the perfect day, and a happy ending, could have been better .. but lemme tell you more about it later ...... ;-)

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Its All In The Differences

These guys come in their black suits and ties, sit in front of their computers and its pitch dark screens, I think its called a DOS screen, and type some curious text messages that appear on the screen as white characters or inverted.  Eyes are glued to the screen as the screen scroll with an occasional message appearing in green, what are they up to, I have wondered often ?

Are they some kind of mythical characters, I believe that to be false, but I do see them as people in search of messages from our ancestors high above in the sky.  Messages that are encrypted and available to only the select few who have passed the challenge.  The challenge it must be, for whenever I sit in front of the dark screen my gravity goes for a toss, I can feel it on my hands as I type on the keyboard, almost as if the bodies of the ancestors that lie in their tombs are feeling the oppressive heat and pressure of what has passed over them.

This world we live in is just that, a wooden casket, we move from one tomb to another as we pass from our present life to the nether life, whenever I feel this pressure build up in my head, I try and move from one tomb to the other.  Didn't I hear a friend of mine tell me that always keep your heart above your head.  This world you live in is a fake, it comes with its commercialism and trashing of genuine process that advocates freedom of thought.  My mind must be free for it to revel in the beauty of the trees surrounding your locale, I can feel your will to soar the sky like me, take thoughts to a new level of intricacy and feel where the pressure points are.
82E1BAAD .. isn't that the da vinci code

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You Ruined It For Me That Day

Friend of mine from Punjab, another Sikh and tall at 6'5", believes that his life is over.  He can't get over the fact that his father is gone, mother is ill.  His large or rather tallish frame not withstanding, I can't understand what has got into him, he only speaks of why there is nothing in this world for him.  When young people, and he is only 32, speak of death so casually, my only thought, though I must admit I haven't voiced it to him, is that GET UP MAN, MOVE YOUR BUTT.  What have you seen in your life for you to scream out in pain, do you even know what pain is, when your thoughts are murdered you die a slow poisonous death, it ain't as if I haven't seen physical pain but it is nothing compared to the death of a philosophy.

My thoughts go back to 2001, when I was 32, going through the biggest crisis of my life.  My body was sick, it was almost as if I had AIDS or something akin to it, whatever I did, I contracted the worst of the interaction, my whole life then flashed by in front of me almost like I had died and I saw faces and words, all wicked telling me that I would be consigned to the flames if they had their way.  My friends, family all included in this panaromic slideshow, and during those days I saw the worst of times.

The only peace I found was in the rapids of Haridwar, I went there and the fast flowing water had a theurepatic affect on me, almost like it flushed me clean of all my illness.  I remember lying in the shallow with two large rocks against which I buttresed my feet, and the rapid lifted my body up and down, my head bobbled and stomach rose to meet the air.  It was the most sublime experience a sick man could have had, mother nature knew not what it has done for me and I am still in the process of paying back and in deep homage of life.  At that time, my body was weak, what had happened no one knew, except my mind, deep inside, that the spirit had gone a walkabout.  Now where did that term come from, I have never used it, but with the spirit in walkabout mode, my body was like a car without an engine, I would collapse at the press of remote control button, like a zombie with no control on my emotions, thoughts or physical body.

Imagine a Sikh lying in water with his beard and hair all lose, feeling the strength of nature flow through his body.  It was cold and freezing but not even the gods that offered "the nectar of life" could have taken me away from the spot, I stayed there for hours and walked up to a free life, free of disease and sickness.

There is no God in my life, he died in 2001, when I screamed out in agony, both mental and physical, and no one came.  There is only this force that drives us, and controls us, my moods, my strength, my attitude all comes from the alignment with this force.  Every morning I must weedle my way into some kind of coherence with this force.  Thus has been my life for the past 10 years.
When the sky falls, let the sky itself be the salvation

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The Play of Life

ACT 1 SCENE 1 - The Challenge
When I first entered the arena there were people already on the case trying to solve what must have been, or at least looked from my perspective, a way to get to work today, all havoc had broken lose, there was mayhem everywhere there was to be looked.  The one person who could have solved this was already busy with some other issues, I had hardly slept the night and there lay the mystery to why I had no clue what had happened and was finding like most other people very difficult to get to work.  There are no easy solutions in life, if you start for work at 1pm there is fair amount of probability that they won't be expecting you to come today and secondly the frame I go with is that it is going to be a late day.

ACT 1 SCENE 2 - The plot unveils
There had been the F1 the other day, and to make matter worse every single bird, human or otherwise was probably deaf with the noise of the super tuned high power engines.  Michael Schumacher's disaster on the race track not withstanding it had been a tough day for ordinary mortals like me not used to this fiery noise.  It cut through my brains and left the left side numb and the right one urging the other side to break through this searing thought.  Numbness is not only a sign of what we wish wasn't but also a sign from our subconscious that there is something happening that we have no clue about.  Too noisy to say the least and I had stopped talking last night, a sign the morning was going to be a long one.

Here's what I was thinking as I got up in the morning :

0001   Let it be a late morning
0010   Let the maids be later than usual.
0011   Mum probably will sleep till late
0100   Dad on the other hand will be on the computer early
0101   There will be no birds to wake me up as it had been too noisy
0110    If the maid arrived early she would have to wait, or at least do her work without waking me up
0111   Have a bath, brush my teeth and eat
1000    Think of leaving around 1pm
1001    Mum would probably still be sleeping, dad would be watching TV
   --
   --
   --
   --
   --
1111   At work

Most Important :
Now that I had a rough structure in place I would be able to work out a way to get to work albeit late.  Interesting thing that can be extracted out of this methodology and I do believe its all in the methodology, that things did happen according to plan and I left for work at 1pm, did not reach of course and interestingly mom and dad were doing the same thing they had done for the past two weeks, except a little later.  More on this later .......... and we will extract more out of this ......

Things do not always go according to plan, doesn't mean I stop planning

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Whats on the menu today brother

What is there to do today, it is an older version of an event that happened some years back, there was this person who was a writer and very good one at that, he would write short stories and send them to the publisher, who would then vet the content and decide whether to go ahead with the publishing and if the answer was yes, would go ahead and give advances to the author.  The author by himself was a self sustaining person and a gentleman with remarkable aplomb, he would modify his preferences according to the need of the day, for instance yesterday, when he walked into a restaurant he want he wanted some fish fry and rice, looked around and saw a steaming pomfret curry being served to a family of 6 sitting on an adjacent table, who looked very much at ease with the whole situation.  Now he liked pomfret curry but he liked it fried and with a salsa dip with the fish body peppered with lemon juice.

It was just a matter of that one look at the family that changed his mind, quickly picked up his luggage, consisted of a diary,a book and a pen and walked to the nearest Cafe Coffee Day for a cuppa and a chicken tikka sandwich.  Funny how we are told to believe that an empty stomach is a devils workshop, works pretty much similar to the adage that there is a hole in my stomach so I must keep eating, actually quite to the contrary a recipe a day keeps the devil away.  A good recipe can make your day, it takes time and patience to come up with one that satisfies the taste buds of the majority , but then we aren't looking to please, we are in the business of finding out what keeps our souls moving, be it good food or good thoughts.
We never are alone, its just that maybe some of us are meant to be alone.

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She is My Proxy

Have this friend of mine, she is a lark and her voice is the sound of music to me, it has these elaborate tones that touch my very heart and pulls at its strings.  She is a down to earth, sporty sort of person. Love her for the earthy music she brings to my ears, I have always needed someone to keep my feet rooted to the ground.

The other day, she was going through my stuff and found some files she didn't like, wasn't the pornography kind of stuff, but still some files that she didn't particularly find alluring, it consisted of my own thoughts written in a document about my friends and that included her.  This kind of personal stuff is normally available free of cost if one writes a blog, however is confidential if you so do not wish to make it public.  Now what it contained I will leave to imagination, however I must suggest that you proceed beyond this strictly under my supervision.

Why the hell should anyone get angry over personal thoughts and feelings, beats me, so I dropped her a mail telling her exactly what those statements from the personal diary meant, in short told her to drop it !! .. Now there are two ways of doing this, one is a blunt one liner which says exactly what it should or a very digress digest that explains each point and point her in the right direction.  Which ever method you apply, remember, first you have to launch into the argument, then see if it is having any affect on the source of your dialogue, next if the dialogue is having a salutary affect just hide yourself from the conversation and if not exit out of it.

As anyone would see, bike ride is something that gives me a thrills I have sought all my life, so therefore fair enough to say, that I would suggest a companion for your bike tours.  How about that lady in the red, do you for instance think it would be of sense for her to wear a red hat on the ride, I particularly like the red as it goes well with the black of your leather attire.  Hmmmm ? .. or would you prefer the jeans and T-shirt wearing lady who is also a very good friend of mine, she would love to go out on an adventure with you.  All suggestions from a very active mind which understands the nuances of this conversation.
Time, Time Brother is the only thing Timeless

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A Deadly Cocktail

Suckers all of them, these folks who believe that the thoughts put in our heads are our own, look out people, we are just living in a world of gross consumerism, a world where only the thought of making money is of any importance, the rest is consigned to the unholy flame of greed.  So who puts these thoughts and why, take for instance, the case of Microsoft Internet Explorer, whoever thought that it would be the worlds de-facto browser in 2012, when I was growing up, Netscape Navigator was the way to go.

As the world saw benefits and profits in the browser industry, the war was on, which browser is better.  According to me, there probably aren't good, better or worse browsers, its only a question of putting two and two together, in my world that's never equals four, however for most folks its just a matter of writing the pros on one side and the cons on the other.  Check for yourself, today I use Firefox and am very happy with it.

So obviously the thought about MSIE being better than the rest has been fed into the brains by the Super Markets and the resellers who want the software to be sold as their margins are larger on it than the other product.  There are other details such as it being part of the OS that I will not go into, however it doesn't require too much of brain to figure this one out, my thoughts exactly, except I needed a cocktail to figure out the next possibility.  By the way the cocktail I am having is one I call     "Reverse my Luck" cocktail, won't or can't be found in the regular bar and pubs, as a matter of fact it is my very own concoction.  Here's how you make it :
                                     -- Orange Juice
                                      --Gin (Gordon Gin, nothing else)
                                        -- Nutmeg (jayphal in Hindi)
                                      -- Honey (my fav.)

Mix everything to measure, I am not going to give out the exact measure, try it out and try it out multiple times to see if you get the perfect "Reverse My Luck".  Well, once I sit with my cocktail, sipping it leisurely, all thoughts move aside except for the thought of me on that bike and riding against the wind with a strong head wind, I have these leather boots on and trouser and jacket to match them, and the bike not a racer but a long distance runner, as any old timer would tell you, the curved handlebars are for running long distances without fatigue.  Think how many times I have surfed on my Firefox with only one thing on my mind, I must find the people who fed me this trash about Microsoft being the best buy in the world.  I nudge myself to the Microsoft site and see the clutter of useless information, know that my machine running Linux hates it.

I would much rather have a custom built Linux Red Hat, will run many a miles non stop and free of charge, with no advertisements or other squalor that goes by the name of sophistication.  I am a "What You See Is All There Is" WYSIATI kind of guy, and as I see my Firefox cruising away at a brisk pace against the mountain of the "World Wide Wait", WWW, I know I am in safe capable hands.  Half a glass of the drink is over and I am left to wonder if my glass of luck is half empty or half full, not that it matters truly, orange juice and gin make a potent combination for my mind to be set in the thinking mode, this is the mode I love, I spend hours doing this and enjoying my drink.
In My World You Just Think .... Just Think

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The Raw Nerve

The poet in me always comes to the fore when talking of love and romance, and virtually anything to do with life in general.  I define what I see by what I believe to be in the heart of things.  Take for example motor racing which is so special to me, for your information, watched every event there has been for motor racing in India, now motor racing is a fine art that requires the reflexes of a gazelle and the strength of a Leopard.  What is oft forgotten is the art, the very way the machinery and man become as one to overcome all odds, its an artists dream and if you see through it, as I do and see the poetry behind all sports.

When I was a young kid growing up on the streets there was this feel that we had to race our cycles because it was the in thing for kids to be doing, to be BMXing and jumping railings and tearing madly down bends and hairpins.  It was madness galore and in the back street alleys that were teaming with halwais' and raddi paper wallas as also the chacha bhatija fruit sellers, we had a torrid time manoeuvring through throngs on the alleys.  One gentleman, his name I still remember distinctly, Chandan Bhai, would offer his samosas even as we raced down or was it up Siddiqui street.  Ram Nivas would be selling jalebi's which I particularly liked and that was always a distraction, to this day, if I lose a race I attribute it to Ram Nivas.

The busy streets left a vast influence on me, I felt it calmed my nerves by taking my nervous energy away and giving me something as close to an Arpizol as any activity or place would.  When I moved to the calmness of Lutyen Delhi, though nice, I felt I would have been better of if my office was based out of Chandni Chowk.  I am street man, live by getting my mind to work in any situation, sitting standing or sleeping, and its hard to imagine that everything is alright in the calm of the night when there are no noises or feels to tell me so, as a matter of fact, the days especially the winter ones can be worst than the most silent ones I have experienced from where I come from.

Petty thoughts are left far aside as I dwell into the reason behind my frayed raw nerves and I sing out loudly :

                 " Jeeney ko mango toh yahan jahan milta hai,
                   Kuch na kaho, kuch na bolo, bus sun lo, bus,
                    Is dil mein bhi hain kuch khwaishey,
                    Abhi pura hona hai baki jiney"
                    Kissi ko bin kahey yahan pey jahan milta hai,
                    Aur kayi cheekey unsuni ho jaati hai
                    Yeh kya hai silsila zindagi ka,
                     Shayad karvan mein juudo tho hi nasha milta hai"

Times, they are telling me things now, don't tell me you heard the same thing I did too

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Post 2012 - The Being

Its mighty good fun being an author, imagine to let the horses of your imagination lose as you write, and write to your hearts content, it is a pleasure when your minds set free of the regular hindrances.  Its like attaining the peak of your dreams, or at least mentally, the biggest kick is to get readers addicted to your medium or media and then there is only the thought of bringing satisfaction to them.  I am by all means party to the game of reading and writing fantasy as well, though what interests me most of all is real life stories.

Then there is the thought of being able to derive utmost pleasure out of my readership as I look for what I have been suggesting I do.  The web is a phenomenal medium to look at people who are of interests to you.  The other day I got into a chat with this young lady, who suggested to me that I give her a Rs 200 recharge for which she would allow me access to her web cam.  Great thought and also makes me wonder what a Rs 200 recharge would do for her.  She allowed me to talk with her on voice, before it was suggested that I get her mobile recharged for a cam session.
Its all in the mind, intrigue and adventure included, let it flow.

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Can I interest you in the Royal Tourer please ?

I am lonely, and that should be admitted first of all, I must be in a profession that allows me the freedom of choosing who I interact with, where I go and who I meet.  My parents, my present so called bunch of friends, don't mean a thing.  If at all, buddies are there for a few drinks or shop talk at the printer.  I by myself don't mean a thing to them, all of it is a game to get something or to get to something.

So how do I find her ? .. Here's my game plan, I buy a bike, a tourer, and ride it across the country, assuming that she exists in this country, meet people, pitch tents where I need to, cook my own food over firewood, talk to the trees and beavers when no one is around, and most importantly of all learn to take care of myself and my things, 'read the bike, on my own.  Not such a difficult task however given my present situation seems large and significant to undertake.

My present mode of conveyance is a car, though it sure brings a status on its own, has no attitude, and I am very much an attitude person.  I bring attitude to everything, life, food, drinks, modes, money etc.  My whole life right now, if I look back on it, is about the right attitude.  Don't care if I have to ride with someone or I have to ride alone, because I must find that someone who makes my world for me or for whom I make my world.

Very few people talk about it, a lot hide it, being in relationships that have stopped to exist or are a one way street, I refuse to budge to the demands of commercialism, if I were to walk into a super mart, don't want to linger around, looking for things to buy.  My mind is all made up, I just want to pick up what I want, maybe a roast meat with some veggies and some bread and walk to my tent.  Cook some supper and go to sleep or linger around with some music on my guitar.

The world is changing today even as we speak, the music defines it for me, the talk shows and the artists speak about it.  I am a learning organism, and the last when it didn't happen, I walked out of the relation, my whole life is now a flashback even as I write this, somebody tells me if I don't find her then I must go.
I am still in love, and when I stop, I die.

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The Makings of a Love Story

All my life, I have lived on and on, in search of I don't know what.  My search just continues and is unending.  I have gone from one cornerstone to another, looking, seeking and revealing my thoughts as I have done on this blog and other forums.  We live our lives believing that what we earn, respect we earn and work we do is what stands us in good stead, as a matter of fact, have we ever seen people with high degree of intellectual ability and acclaim live with their soulmates or even have soulmates.  Only rarely I believe, mostly they just go through their lives with the respect that they have earned from peers and subordinates.

I looked for her in the forest, I looked for her in the playground, I even looked for her on the highway, so what was I looking for and was I looking for in the right place.  I remember the brash club of my youth I used to frequent, I didn't find her there despite many interactions with women.  I didn't find her in my college or other educational institutes, they were just the wrong places to be looking for her.  I have cried so many tears, the sorrow is unending as I look for her from one love affair to another, from one partner to another.  These thoughts are unending and like a bottomless abyss.  More on this once I have my thoughts in place, I guess the 2 day hiatus got my thoughts together.  Will be back with more ......
Life is an eternal love story, I hope it continues to be one.

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The Revelation - day, night and my soul

There is a thought that comes to me today,
That I must be strong and believe that I shall make hay
Even if the sun refuses to come out
I am going to stay here till her majesty pleases
If it be the clouds then that will be what it will be

I must play a part today and play it well
There is somebody who needs me now
This soul of mine, for her, I must sell
As it gets colder lashed by the snow

To know that I am not alone going through this
Sets my mind to peace
She may not be with me today, maybe at a place far away
She hears me and that is enough for me to play
My songs that stream right through my heart

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Think ---- And I am Gone

In this world, only two things that are precious to me, and I hardly get enough time for them, for instance, life gets so busy on a 5 day grind and come saturday or a sunday there is so much do and write home about.  Do I get time for anything at all, or am I running away with it everyday.  Its a new start and I am still wondering where I am going to get time for anything that I really really wanna do.  Last Sunday was fantastic, so has this sunday as yet, there are a myriad of thoughts running in my head, "I must do, I have done, I should have done".  Heres what I must do - I must write and read, there are people better than me at this and I hope to replace them one day, here's what I have done - I have been there, done that and to be sure, I have done everything to redeem my name and pride, and what I should have done - Without a care in the world move people aside and get a move on.

Friend of mine said a break up is a break up, you just get over it and continue to live, and I say it happens and happens again and again, we just live with lovers till we die.  Its remarkable isn't it, that we aren't going to get back together again and yet I don't want to get over her.  Just a thought, theres more clarity in here buddy, "MY MIND", than I care to imagine, we do what we have to do.  I intend to run a commercial enterprise and hardly can think of anything besides the thought of making money, the people involved and there are atleast 7-8 people right now whose expenses must be taken care of and people have expenses, they live their lives, party, break up, make up and everything that goes with it.
It should be Sunday today, and Monday is already haunting me .... scary thought !!

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Endless Story of Love

Oh, Son of Suns, shine brightly,
For I have seen you wrestle and fight
The clouds and shadows with all your might
I am living here in the hope that I see tomorrow in light
Tomorrow if it comes will be a day to behold
When the stars shall be seen alongside the sun at the threshold
For tomorrow I shall see her
My whole life a movie
That never saw the day nor light
Till she came to my life with eyes shining bright
I am here today because I have seen love
That moves the sun moon and stars
They obey not because they fear her
Its love like me they hear and see
The now unending movie of my life
As I stretch and yawn, knowing that morning has come
For me and her at the the same time

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Awakened

I wish for bright sunny days,
On cold winter afternoons;
Coffee and Tea to drink,
with marmalade I think;

People who work well,
don't worry about how to sell,
The pink slip is just a bell,
A wake up call you may say,
To get out of your shell;

These days I am thinking,
Of getting myself a ferrari albeit in red color;
Two plus two in my life is never four,
There is many a slip before the cup reaches the lip;

Days they seldom are long,
They are like the woman wearing a thong,
As I sit to serenade you with a song,
On beaches that seem to play on and on;

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Politics, Politics and Some Whisky

Scams and Scamsters have thrived around these parts for a long time. Remember the Ambani-Manmohan or the Radia-Tata-Congress nexus, just trying to figure what these nexus imply for us.  These are high flying politicians or people with heavy political contacts, all in all a very potent combination, there is money that flow that leaves people staggering, where all the money goes and where it comes from remains a raaz. Ofcourse, you might insist, in a democratic country capitalist societies flourish and how well if there are no laws to reign them in. Think about it, if ever there was a way to handle corruption, the Bharatiya Janta Party knew all about it, think for instance how well Vajpayee handled all issues relating to this during this term.



Which brings me back to my oft mentioned point that we are what the poet in our heart makes us, if there is no love, shero-sharyari or poetry and no understanding of what a couplet is, then it well might be that you will not know what makes a nation tick, how people struggle to make their living. I was at this roadside eatery the other day and what I saw was amazing, a small cup of tea that used cost Rs 4 now costs Rs 7, prices are almost double for everything, biscuits and mathis lie uneaten because they are too expensive for anybodies good.



Which brings me back to the topic that is very close to my heart, that of how to etch out a living in a world that is devoid of compassion and love. This world is only running after money, and in such a world I have to make money as well, not an easy task. Not easy going up as well, this whole bit of how the government functions and how money accrues to people is something I am just about understood it all. One for instance this friend of mine at a very high level post requires people but is unable to understand where he can get trustworthy people for his business. Now I have the contacts and have just a few months to my retirement and can use these contacts to benefit him, my mind is in a quandry, do I ask him for favours in return for orders and I have thought this out.

I must think this out brothers, and my thinking is a very clandestine process.

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Twenty Thirteen - Well Worth the Wait

The stove is burning bright
As the stars shine with all their might

I might have been wrong in an assumption,
And I promise to live it through

The darkness I do not hate,
Love the thought of poison that we make

Tomorrow when the sun comes out,
You will find it worth giving me a shout

In the quiet of the night we slip away,
To tell a tale that will justify the wait

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The Dream Merchant

The start to another company is tempered by the thought, that I must do a good job with it, make substantial amount of profits and be fairly successful at the venture.  The way I play my words is similar to the way the poets do with theirs, there for instance is this thought that all of life is poetry, and that we must go through it with lenses of our eyes closed and the gates to our hearts open.  I must presume that there is a way that our offerings to clients or customers is accepted, it may be assumed that we are in the business of selling satisfaction and not products.  All customers want satisfaction - satisfactory product, satisfaction when it comes to the experience and a comfort level with the pricing.

Satisfaction reminds me of what we do to satisfy our thirsty after a hot day in the field, we actually go ahead and drink water and lots of it, preferably mixed with energy enhancing stuff.  Therefore, as is evident, satisfaction is in getting a product that satisfies our immediate need to buy and is in line with our immediate requirements.

The lens of life is very beautiful, if I was to look through it, I see so clearly the pain writ large on so many faces, I see their future and I know that they are going to be fine.  Pain and sorrow is a very intrinsic part of the lens, and it is a precursor to what we feel thereafter.  The lens may beautify things, but it is the lens that truly feels the content of a heart that typifies beauty for me.  Think of it this way, I am the lens that clicks pictures of people and their lives, their hearts spill out in front of me, I may not be able to see all that happens in the heart, but can certainly feel the pain, pleasure or anger as it goes past me.  Its beautiful stuff, and the stuff that makes the heart come alive, even the sorrow reflects what we have got in return for the tears, the joy can be felt and the anger palpable.
I am not in the business of making movies, we sell dreams.

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